Compassion, Kindness, and Grace
The other day while putting dishes away, I dropped a ceramic serving platter onto the hard-tiled kitchen floor shattering it into what looked like a gazillion tiny pieces. There was no chance of trying to piece it delicately back together with several bottles of super glue. It was a goner. What a shame, right? One would think I would have simply swept up the remnants, tossed them into the trash, and planned on a way to replace the dish. Nope. Instead, I went on a couple-minute-long bash about my clumsiness and stupidity for being so incompetent. I really let myself have it. Then, I heard my rational brain kick in and tell me to lay off the verbal attack. Yes, it was a silly mistake. Things happen. I could forgive myself and move on. It was, after all, just a serving dish. No need to berate myself any longer.
As I moved out of this irrational state, I found myself chuckling at the ridiculousness of my self-inflicted bashing. I tell my clients to practice self-compassion and kindness and fully expect them to do so. Here I am not practicing what I preach. One of those moments of proof that we are all human and beautifully imperfect. Point is well-made and taken.
What this incident did was re-instill in me the importance of self-acceptance, compassion, and kindness. The world will inherently beat us up. We don’t need to do it to ourselves. The Bible tells us to follow the Golden Rule: “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 7:12). This applies as well to our treatment of ourselves. What do we say to a friend, loved one, or co-worker who comes to us with a particular challenge or dilemma they’re in the midst of handling? They confess they’ve made a mistake. Do we call them stupid? Do we tell them things will never get better? Not even close. Instead, we lift them up. We encourage them with words such as “It’s okay,” “It’s going to get better,” “You’ve got this,” “You’re strong and smart,” and “I believe in you.” We try our best to improve their state of mind. If we agreed with them and joined the bash fest, the relationship most definitely would be strained, if not damaged. No one wants to be around people that treat them poorly. So, why do we do it ourselves? Clearly, we would benefit from speaking kinder to ourselves with more empathy, love, and, yes, humor, which in turn work together to open the door for more acceptance of our perfect imperfections.
So, how do we do that? Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer, in their book entitled “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook,” challenge us to offer ourselves unconditional warmth and acceptance. Acknowledge the suffering. Sit with it long enough to respond with care and kindness. It’s easy to get caught up in immediate problem-solving to make the uncomfortableness go away. However, pain is part of the human experiences we share, and it is one way to connect with others. Moreover, that uneasiness is where true change and growth ignite.
So, rather than shoving it aside or erasing the pain, actively look for ways to soothe and comfort the soul. Find a posture that works for you-maybe it’s wrapping your arms around yourself like a giant hug, or putting your hand on your heart, or curling up into a fetal position. I find placing my hands on my cheeks and sort of leaning forward to be particularly calming. And, naturally, turn to a loved one for support, building upon the commonality of the shared emotion. You’ll more than likely feel grounded in unity and bonding. Most importantly, look also to Jesus. Scripture reminds us repeatedly that Jesus is there for us, ready to comfort and embrace us. He unconditionally and entirely accepts us for who we are right here in the moment.
I’m reminded of that popular phrase “What Would Jesus Do? “(WWJD) that was proudly displayed on wrists across the world several years ago. If I ask myself about his response to my platter-smashing mishap, it most certainly wouldn’t have been to berate me with name-calling. We can rest assured he’d offer up loving kindness and support. Wouldn’t it be beneficial for us to follow his example and show ourselves some true forgiveness and self-compassion? From serving dishes to more serious matters, Jesus is the ideal role model, showing grace and love. He gives both freely, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” (Ephesians 2:8). Let’s follow his lead.
— Jill Dagistino, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern