The Importance of the Therapeutic Relationship
I often hear people say they’ve tried therapy before and got nothing out of it. They complain that they didn’t like their therapist, their therapist rubbed them the wrong way, or worse yet, their therapist was emotionless or even fell asleep. Clearly, they developed a bad taste for therapy. When that happens, it’s highly unfortunate because the individual then shoves their pain, discomfort, or suffering aside with the belief that therapy is useless.
Irvin D. Yalom, in his book “The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients,” says friendship between therapist and patient (at SRCC, we prefer “client”) is a necessary condition of closeness that promotes a means to an end. In other words, relationship is
essential to achieving progression and, ultimately, success. If a client doesn’t feel connected, it becomes difficult to trust and feel safe enough to open up. Revealing one’s innermost thoughts and feelings does not come easily. One wants to feel seen, heard, and understood, all the while sensing compassion,
care, and kindness. Experts say that therapy has nothing to do with the skills or techniques a
therapist uses. It has everything to do with a level of intimacy that endorses relation and collaboration. Think of the therapeutic relationship as one of the closest experienced because, let’s face it, it is. Your therapist may know your innermost secrets and/or what makes you tick. Research proves
therapy outcomes are predominantly based on the therapeutic alliance rather than the length or type of treatment.
How does one know if the therapist they’ve seen or are seeing is “the right fit”? Consider the same criteria you’d use when assessing a new romantic interest or potential best friend:
• Does this person listen attentively? Does he ask open-ended questions to motivate me to express myself?
• Does she present alternative options, ideas, approaches, interpretations, or perspectives?
• Does this person help me navigate versus take control of the wheel by promoting collaboration?
• Is she responsive and participative?
• Is he respectful?
• Is there genuineness? Empathy? Encouragement? Validation? Cooperation?
• Does your therapist set you with mutually agreeable goals or plans?
• Does he instill hope?
• Does she provide explanations and lay out expectations?
• Is there negotiation or flexibility present?
• Is he or she confident yet still honest, warm, and friendly?
• Does this person support unconditionally? (That doesn’t mean they
agree)
True, many of these qualities will not be present in the first couple of sessions. Therapy is a process that begins with the first contact between the two parties and continues through the last contact. Interactions are important, and so are first impressions. Often times a client will know right away about fit based on a gut feeling. Experts say that if, by the 5th session, there is still no connection, the fit may not be conducive to successful outcomes. A client is looking for a meeting the hearts (bond) and meeting of minds (goals and tasks) (“Highly Effective Therapy,” Len Sperry). Taking these points into consideration, if you have had a less than positive experience with therapy, will you be willing to try again with another therapist? You may just find the “right” one. Yalom says therapist and client are like fellow travelers who set out on a long and winding journey until their destination is completed. Wouldn’t it be comforting to have a beneficial sidekick and companion while taking that voyage?
— Jill Dagistino