Debunking Relationship Myths - Part 1
Breakups are difficult. Almost all of us have experienced the pain of a relationship not working out. However, these experiences all have value. They teach us what we want and do not want in relationships, including what we do and do not like and behaviors we will and will not tolerate. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have conducted over four decades of research into what makes long-term relationships work, and included in their extensive research were the following myths:
Extra-relationship affairs are the major cause of breakups/divorce: FALSE. Although there is no question that affairs are a cause for the breakup and great distress, the Gottmans point to evidence from Gigy & Kelly’s California Divorce Mediation Project, which suggests the major cause of divorce (80% of the time) is that partners become emotionally distant and drift apart. In other words, there is a failure of friendship and emotional intimacy in the relationship (which makes one vulnerable to affairs) – so it is not the affair that ruins the relationship; it is the disintegration of the underlying friendship and emotional intimacy.
Men are hard-wired against monogamy: FALSE. This has been called the “socio-biological theory” and I have personally heard many men and women repeat this basic (faulty) belief that men have a basic biological need to ”sow their oats” amongst many women, whereas women need security with just one partner. As women have entered the workforce in increasingly large numbers and achieved more economic power, philandering has also increased dramatically for women in recent decades. Sociologists now estimate that affair rates for men and women are about equal. The Gottmans further note that the practice of monogamy was historically designed by men, not women, for the purpose of determining paternity to enable the inheritance of property. Basically, if you choose a traditional monogamous relationship, this should be a clearly defined boundary that you both agree to abide by, at the point in the relationship when you both choose to be exclusive and committed. (As I tell my clients, never assume exclusivity during early dating – this needs to be a conversation that is had and clearly agreed upon by both parties. I also encourage my clients to have regular, ongoing conversations about specific boundaries with regard to verbal and physical contact with other humans – never assume anything. “Flirting” and inappropriate behavior may be defined differently for different people.
Improving problem-solving skills will fix a relationship in trouble: FALSE. This was the biggest surprise to me going into this workshop, as conflict resolution skills building is a cornerstone in nearly all couple therapies. However, Gottman’s research found that the majority of conflicts are never resolved, even in happy relationships – they remain perpetual problems that couples either learn to dialogue through in a healthy manner or become gridlocked about. It is the gridlock of perpetual relationship problems that tend to lead to breakup. A Gottman-trained couples’ therapist will focus instead on improving a couple’s ability to dialogue attentively and respectfully - “conflict management,” not “conflict resolution”.
— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.
