Empathy

Those of us who have a strong empathic gift tend to instinctively want to “show” the other we deeply understand their feelings and they are not alone. I never share a story because I am trying to hijack the conversation - it is almost always because I am trying to connect with the other person and demonstrate empathy. But this behavior can sometimes get misconstrued as one trying to “make it about you” (and don’t get me wrong, some individuals do hijack conversations and make it about them).

That being said, there is a time and place to share your own stories and sometimes it is more appropriate to sit back and just listen. Alternatively, if you tend to do this, you may want to ask for consent first, i.e., “Do you mind if I share a similar experience, or do you need more time to vent? I want you to be able to express whatever you need to today”. Anyway, a reminder to try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Most helper types are just trying to connect to your experience and help you feel supported when they share relevant personal stories.

— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.

Intensity is NOT Intimacy

This was a big life lesson. Many of us trade the intimacy we crave for intensity - which is not always healthy. Intense feelings or intense early chemistry does NOT mean “this is my soulmate”- more often than not, intensity in early dating is a red flag… No, I don’t want you to be bored on a date, but there is a middle, balanced, healthy ground. Healthy long-term relationships are more of a “slow burn” with moments of passion and intensity but are overall characterized by grounded, balanced, peacefulness, and nervous system safety. If you are feeling intense and off-kilter a lot, especially early in dating, it is much more likely you are confusing nervous system dysregulation (“fight or flight”) for sexual arousal/attraction. Learn to tune inward and ask- do I like this person? Does my nervous system feel safe and grounded around them? This can feel “boring” for those of you used to toxic/abusive/unhealthy rollercoaster relationships. But with time and intentional work, you can learn to see “boring” as actually “safe, grounded, and healthy”.

— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.

Addressing Toxic Positivity

Those who have experienced clinical anxiety, depression, and/or significant trauma and loss have likely heard the well-meaning “just think happy thoughts!”, “think of all you have to be grateful for!”, or other “power of positive thinking”- type comments. I am here as a trauma-informed clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience to tell you gently but firmly — please stop telling people this. The human experience is vast and complex and can be often heavy and intense. When someone you love is experiencing depression or otherwise feeling overwhelmed, they need patience and compassion for what they are experiencing emotionally, not dismissive, invalidating comments such as these (even though they are usually not intended to be invalidating). I will submit to you that if you find yourself wanting to tell someone “it’s not that bad” or “you’re just being dramatic”, this is actually you experiencing discomfort in response to their “negative” feelings. I respectfully challenge you to dig a little deeper – what about their experience is making you uncomfortable? Perhaps you feel helpless and do not know how to support them. Maybe you recall a time earlier in your life when you struggled with depression, anxiety, sadness, or loss and these were the types of comments you received – and if so, I am truly sorry. You deserved better. You deserved to receive the message that you are loved no matter what mood you are in or what sadness you carry.  

I have so many clients - countless, honestly – that will apologize the moment they start crying in my office.  Why do we do that?  Why do we feel we need to apologize for being human? I tell my clients they are allowed to be emotionally “messy” here. It’s okay.  In order to truly heal, we often need permission to experience the full range of our emotions within a safe environment.  And what makes a person safe?  Therapists often use the phrase “holding space” which essentially just means providing a non-judgmental room (literally or metaphorically) where people can express and explore their feelings without feeling they have to “package” it in gratitude or otherwise sugar-coat sometimes truly awful experiences. Sometimes humans get stuck in sadness or anger and yes, it is frustrating to love someone who is stuck and “always negative” – but reframe this as a privilege of sorts: The person who is sharing where they are sad and stuck trusts you enough to express themselves authentically.  You don’t have to “fix it” for them. I tell my clients, “When in doubt, reflect” – just reflect back to them how hard it must be to feel that way.   Such as “I’m so sorry you experienced that, it must be so hard for you to carry that day in and day out.” -or - “I’m here for you. I love you no matter what mood you are in.”   Often, a simple, “I can see you are struggling.  I’m here for you.  How can I help?” or “What do you need most from me today/this week?” can help the individual feel less alone and more supported.

And yes, it is also completely okay to set boundaries with loved ones who are experiencing mental health issues – this is important to protect your own peace and energy. It is completely appropriate to say something like “Hey, I can see you are struggling. I want to be able to help, but I do not have the emotional resources myself today for a phone call.  Can I call you tomorrow or next week?” Or “I care about you and I can see this is a difficult situation for you - and I am not able to hear any more about this topic today. Let’s talk tomorrow/(offer another day).” This helps prevent emotional burnout (and the usual snarky/impatient comments that can come with not protecting your own emotional space). This takes practice. It can also be an opening to gently redirect the individual toward a professional counselor who is trained to “hold space” for the emotions of struggling humans.

Here are some other helpful statements for individuals struggling with depression/anxiety/loss (adapted from @therealdepressionproject):

“I’m here for you, even when you are not feeling 100%”

“I’m proud of you.  I see how hard you are trying.”

“You don’t have to be happy all the time to be loved. I’m here for you.”

“It’s okay to be emotionally messy. We’re all human.”

“I/we love you, no matter what mental space you are in.  The good, the bad, all of it.  I am/we are here for you.”

— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.

Having Your Needs Met

Never Being a Burden Can Look Like:

• Isolating when you are struggling

• Ensuring that your choices don’t upset others

• A belief that people eventually drop you if you’re not being positive

• Working hard to show you “have it all together”

• Apologizing for having to meet your basic needs

• Only sharing your pain through dark humor and only on ‘good days’

These are examples of the trauma response known as “fawn” (or chronic people-pleasing), where we betray ourselves and our own needs to avoid conflict or to avoid being seen as “needy.” Guess what? All humans have legitimate needs — emotional, physical, and spiritual — and you have every right to ask for those needs to be met. That does not make you a burden. That does not make you “too needy.” Not only that but having your needs consistently go unmet can have a lot of long-term health consequences, including deep resentment and anger issues and/or anxiety and depression. Speak up. Practice identifying and verbalizing your needs — no, you will not get them met 100% of the time, but you will learn to feel more confident in your relationships. Anyone who calls you a “burden,” “needy,” or “high maintenance” is just not your person. It doesn’t make them a bad person; it just is not an aligned relationship, for many possible reasons. There are other humans more than willing to better meet your needs.

— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.

Relationships: Breaking Bad Habits – Part 2

Gottman’s research has provided counselors with valuable information on how to make relationships work long-term and was able to predict with over 90% accuracy which couples would divorce solely based on how they argued. They identified what they refer to as “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of a Relationship.” These four bad habits are as follows:

1. Criticism - We see this problematic behavior more often in women – it is, simply, framing one’s complaints as a defect in the other partner’s personality. The antidote to this behavior is to use a “gentle start-up,” that is, to talk about one’s feelings using I-statements and then express a positive need, rather than blaming the problem on one’s partner.

2. Defensiveness – This puts a self-protective wall up during the conversation, where one becomes self-righteous and/or plays the victim. Typically, the individual is thinking about their response and how to defend themselves from the perceived or actual attack of the partner, rather than listening and appropriately validating (not necessarily agreeing with) their partner’s complaints. The antidote to this behavior is for each partner to accept responsibility for at least part of the problem.

3. Contempt – This behavior is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. It consists of statements that convey a sense that the speaker considers themselves superior to their partner. The antidote to this behavior is to build and cultivate a culture between the partners of appreciation and respect.

4. Stonewalling – This behavior is more typically seen in men and is evidenced by emotional withdrawal from interaction. Basically, behavior that communicates, “I am done with any and all conversation on this matter and disengaging from the relationship.” It is typically related to physiological activation and an unsuccessful attempt to calm things down (unsuccessful in the sense that it does not resolve anything and usually only contributes to heightened tension and frustration in the partner – although eventually can lead to mutual emotional disengagement. The antidote is for the partner to self-soothe in order to stay emotionally connected to their partner and not shut down.

Obviously, this is just an overview and in reality, change in these areas typically takes a good amount of: 1. building awareness of blind spots and 2. purposeful practicing of the healthier alternative. It is, as I tell my clients frequently, choosing to respond rather than reacting. 

I want to reiterate that there were two major predictors of divorce/breakup – escalation of negativity (usually involving the Four Horsemen) and emotional disengagement/withdrawal. These are two different dysfunctional patterns of handling conflict in a relationship. One is the more obvious “louder and angry” version, whereas the other is a more quietly destructive process whereby couples tend to divorce emotionally, arranging their lives in parallel and setting themselves up for loneliness. They may insist “everything is fine, we never argue” and state their commitment to one another, but they are in actuality incredibly disconnected and usually quite unhappy.

One last note – the Gottmans point out that the goal of couples counseling is not to help couples avoid arguing, nor is it to help partners avoid hurting one other’s feelings. Instead, the focus should be on helping the couple process the inevitable conflict and resultant “regrettable incidents” - moments of miscommunication or hurt feelings - and to be able to repair the relationship.

— Dr. Shannan Cason

Debunking Relationship Myths - Part 1

Breakups are difficult. Almost all of us have experienced the pain of a relationship not working out. However, these experiences all have value. They teach us what we want and do not want in relationships, including what we do and do not like and behaviors we will and will not tolerate. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have conducted over four decades of research into what makes long-term relationships work, and included in their extensive research were the following myths:

1. Extra-relationship affairs are the major cause of breakups/divorce: FALSE. Although there is no question that affairs are a cause for the breakup and great distress, the Gottmans point to evidence from Gigy & Kelly’s California Divorce Mediation Project, which suggests the major cause of divorce (80% of the time) is that partners become emotionally distant and drift apart. In other words, there is a failure of friendship and emotional intimacy in the relationship (which makes one vulnerable to affairs) – so it is not the affair that ruins the relationship; it is the disintegration of the underlying friendship and emotional intimacy.

2. Men are hard-wired against monogamy: FALSE. This has been called the “socio-biological theory” and I have personally heard many men and women repeat this basic (faulty) belief that men have a basic biological need to ”sow their oats” amongst many women, whereas women need security with just one partner. As women have entered the workforce in increasingly large numbers and achieved more economic power, philandering has also increased dramatically for women in recent decades. Sociologists now estimate that affair rates for men and women are about equal. The Gottmans further note that the practice of monogamy was historically designed by men, not women, for the purpose of determining paternity to enable the inheritance of property. Basically, if you choose a traditional monogamous relationship, this should be a clearly defined boundary that you both agree to abide by, at the point in the relationship when you both choose to be exclusive and committed. (As I tell my clients, never assume exclusivity during early dating – this needs to be a conversation that is had and clearly agreed upon by both parties. I also encourage my clients to have regular, ongoing conversations about specific boundaries with regard to verbal and physical contact with other humans – never assume anything. “Flirting” and inappropriate behavior may be defined differently for different people.

3. Improving problem-solving skills will fix a relationship in trouble: FALSE. This was the biggest surprise to me going into this workshop, as conflict resolution skills building is a cornerstone in nearly all couple therapies. However, Gottman’s research found that the majority of conflicts are never resolved, even in happy relationships – they remain perpetual problems that couples either learn to dialogue through in a healthy manner or become gridlocked about. It is the gridlock of perpetual relationship problems that tend to lead to breakup. A Gottman-trained couples’ therapist will focus instead on improving a couple’s ability to dialogue attentively and respectfully - “conflict management,” not “conflict resolution”.

— Shannan Cason, Psy.D. 

How to Get the Most Out of Therapy Sessions

Write out specific goals. What would you like to get out of your sessions? Some individuals prefer to talk and express feelings and have their therapist listen, validate and provide support. Others may prefer more structure to their therapy session, including feedback, and exercises in and out of the sessions. Which way describes your preferences?

Come in with an open mind and ready for personal accountability. Therapy is not just about talking/venting about your problems, but (when you are ready), finding and implementing workable solutions where possible. It is also about doing some honest soul-searching and making an honest assessment of how your own personal shortcomings may be contributing to your current problems. Therapy can also help simply by changing your perspective. Your circumstances may not change, but you are changing and that can make all the difference.

Take notes. Research on human memory shows that we forget the majority of information learned after 24 hours.

Do your homework. You will get out of it what you put into it. Therapists can give you recommendations and teach you skills, but only you can implement them. The real work of therapy takes place outside of your therapy sessions. We don’t give you homework to keep you busy; it is to help you think about your problems in a different way, to help you learn and implement new skills necessary for real and lasting change.

Journal. Many clients report significant benefits from tracking their thoughts, feelings, and experiences following therapy sessions. Over time you may start to see patterns and progress, which can be useful to both you and your therapist. You can share it if you are comfortable, or it can just be for you.

Be honest with your therapist. If you are confused, angry, hurt, or otherwise disagree with something your therapist has said, please let him/her know. Please don’t just drop out of therapy. Often, speaking up about something that triggered you emotionally in session can bring about the most significant breakthroughs. Therapy is designed to be a safe place to explore uncomfortable negative emotions.

Pray/Meditate. Spiritual disciplines can be helpful as a form of mindfulness and self-reflection beyond journaling. It is also a great tool for those wishing to grow their connection and relationship with God and those seeking spiritual guidance for their inner healing work.

— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.