Relationships: Breaking Bad Habits – Part 2

Gottman’s research has provided counselors with valuable information on how to make relationships work long-term and was able to predict with over 90% accuracy which couples would divorce solely based on how they argued. They identified what they refer to as “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of a Relationship.” These four bad habits are as follows:

1. Criticism - We see this problematic behavior more often in women – it is, simply, framing one’s complaints as a defect in the other partner’s personality. The antidote to this behavior is to use a “gentle start-up,” that is, to talk about one’s feelings using I-statements and then express a positive need, rather than blaming the problem on one’s partner.

2. Defensiveness – This puts a self-protective wall up during the conversation, where one becomes self-righteous and/or plays the victim. Typically, the individual is thinking about their response and how to defend themselves from the perceived or actual attack of the partner, rather than listening and appropriately validating (not necessarily agreeing with) their partner’s complaints. The antidote to this behavior is for each partner to accept responsibility for at least part of the problem.

3. Contempt – This behavior is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. It consists of statements that convey a sense that the speaker considers themselves superior to their partner. The antidote to this behavior is to build and cultivate a culture between the partners of appreciation and respect.

4. Stonewalling – This behavior is more typically seen in men and is evidenced by emotional withdrawal from interaction. Basically, behavior that communicates, “I am done with any and all conversation on this matter and disengaging from the relationship.” It is typically related to physiological activation and an unsuccessful attempt to calm things down (unsuccessful in the sense that it does not resolve anything and usually only contributes to heightened tension and frustration in the partner – although eventually can lead to mutual emotional disengagement. The antidote is for the partner to self-soothe in order to stay emotionally connected to their partner and not shut down.

Obviously, this is just an overview and in reality, change in these areas typically takes a good amount of: 1. building awareness of blind spots and 2. purposeful practicing of the healthier alternative. It is, as I tell my clients frequently, choosing to respond rather than reacting. 

I want to reiterate that there were two major predictors of divorce/breakup – escalation of negativity (usually involving the Four Horsemen) and emotional disengagement/withdrawal. These are two different dysfunctional patterns of handling conflict in a relationship. One is the more obvious “louder and angry” version, whereas the other is a more quietly destructive process whereby couples tend to divorce emotionally, arranging their lives in parallel and setting themselves up for loneliness. They may insist “everything is fine, we never argue” and state their commitment to one another, but they are in actuality incredibly disconnected and usually quite unhappy.

One last note – the Gottmans point out that the goal of couples counseling is not to help couples avoid arguing, nor is it to help partners avoid hurting one other’s feelings. Instead, the focus should be on helping the couple process the inevitable conflict and resultant “regrettable incidents” - moments of miscommunication or hurt feelings - and to be able to repair the relationship.

— Dr. Shannan Cason