It’s All in the Tone. Do You Sound the Way You’d Like or Intend?

There’s a long-standing joke in our family about my husband’s former use of tone. If you ask him, he’ll agree with what I’m about to share and will be quick to add that he has changed. I’m proud to say that with the concerted effort he has indeed.  Just to be upfront, I completely have his blessing to let you in on the humor associated with his old communication style. We all agree that he had (still does) wonderfully poignant things to say, thought-provoking and intellectually stimulating. His advice was (and is) legit. However, and it’s a big however, in the past, we used to not get beyond a few sentences without tuning him out, sort of reminiscent of how Charlie Brown and his classmates hear their teacher (blah, blah, blah, blah, blah). Why? His delivery was less than desirable. What was it in particular that caused us to lose interest? His negative, almost attack-ish, and overly intelligent-sounding blah-ish tone. Maybe you know someone who speaks in a similar way. Maybe it’s you? Oftentimes, there only needs to be a newly-created awareness to stimulate a dramatic change.

Let’s take a look back into our childhoods for proof that tone is really what stands out in being an effective communicator. When we were rocked to sleep, or perhaps when we lulled our little ones off into Neverland, “Rock-a-Bye Baby” delightfully induced an overwhelming sense of peace. Hum the tune. I’m sure it’s one that is very familiar. Now, take away the sing-song, delightful melody and read the lyric just as you would a passage from a novel:

“Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle and all.”

What? Did that sweet little infant just go smashing into the ground with broken tree bark, shattered cradle wood, and tattered leaves? Although the origin of this famous lullaby remains unproven, many believe it was written by a Mayflower pilgrim who was inspired by the way Native American women rocked their babies in birch-bark cradles suspended from high tree branches with the wind providing a natural, soothing motion. Whoever composed the music and lyrics, the intent was meant to be positive and provide a relaxing way for caregivers to get their little ones to sleep. It’s worked successfully for generations due to one factor--the tone we use to sing it.

Tone means the world when communicating. Experts say the comprehension of the message we deliver to others is contingent mostly not on our words, but on the way, we say those words. In fact, according to “Psychology Today,” as much as 90% of communication is nonverbal. Specifically, 55% percent is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, only 7% is the actual words. With these figures in mind, we see how imperative it is to employ a positive and encouraging tone, even when discussing serious topics. 

So, the next time you find yourself about to engage in a conversation where you are trying to accomplish a particular task, stop and pay attention to your tone. Listen to yourself. Practice by recording and playing back the audio. Do you sound the way you’d like or intend? What adjustments can be beneficial to help you achieve your desired results? 

— Jill Dagistino, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern