4 Strategies to Strengthen your Child’s Emotional Intelligence
As parents, we teach our kids the ABCs, practice math skills, read books; but, there usually isn't that same consistent focus on helping our children to grow in their emotional intelligence. Learning how to understand and cope with difficult feelings is a skill that can be taught as well! Throughout each day, you have the opportunity to emotion-coach your child to help them grow into a person who can regulate themselves even when facing difficulty.
1. Model Self-Regulation. It is important to slow down and take responsibility for how we express our own emotions. Pause and breathe before reacting. We can take a "parent time out", letting our children know "I feel so frustrated, and I need a break so I can calm down." Learning how to regulate our own feelings in the stress of life and parenthood can seem daunting, but managing our own emotions is key to helping your child manage their own.
2. Normalize feelings expression. Research shows that children grow in their emotional intelligence when we talk about our own feelings, acknowledge their feelings, (“You seem really frustrated about that. Can you tell me about it?”), and wonder about others' feelings. "What do you think the child in the book is feeling? Why might he feel that way?" The more we talk about feelings, the easier it is for your child to recognize their own feelings and express them in healthy ways. In no time, you will see your child label their own feelings and be able to communicate them in a healthy way, without needing to use difficult behaviors to cry out for help!
3. Set appropriate limits with a positive tone. Sometimes children ask for help with their feelings in the most difficult ways. When our children are acting out, it is easy to forget that their behavior is actually communicating a need. They need to feel understood, and they need help in learning how to deal with feelings. Limits are necessary-they create a sense of safety and trust. But they are most effective when we respond with empathy first. "You were so upset that your brother took that toy! It can be so hard to share, huh? Let’s figure out a way to play together." Dr. Daniel Siegel uses the phrase, “Connect, then redirect.” When children feel connected and understood in their struggle, they are more likely to collaborate in implementing an alternative behavior.
4. Offer a positive outlet to express difficult emotions. I often help my clients create a “Calm Down Corner” at home, where children can take a break to identify and accept their emotions, and implement helpful strategies like breathing techniques, drawing, or sensory play. Since children can draw pictures of how they feel from a very young age, many benefit from a “feelings journal” where they can write or draw what they are feeling. This teaches children what they SHOULD do with feelings, rather than just telling them what NOT to do (“Don’t hit your sister!”)
Emotions add to the richness of life and help us experience interactions more fully. When we view emotional regulation as a skill that must be taught, we understand and acknowledge our children’s “difficult” emotions in a new and empowering way.
