Dialoging as a Couple
Here’s a 10-minute exercise to leave you having the experience of being listened to, affirmed, and understood, and an opportunity to have important needs met, without risk of conflict.
My goal was to create a positive experience for couples to build their intimacy with each other. This exercise takes 10-15 minutes and leaves each person having the experience of being listened to, affirmed, understood, and with an opportunity to have their most important needs met, without the risk of conflict. There are three components.
Component 1 – No dialogue during this component
The couple is seated face to face, knee to knee, and looking into each other’s eyes. One partner offers the other 1-3 affirmations. Try and affirm not just what they do, but who they are. We find what we look for. So, look for the good in your partner between these connecting talks. One shares and the other listens, but NO dialog. Share-listen.
Component 2 – No dialogue during this component
The same partner will share 1-3 things they have missed the mark on since the last meeting. If they believe they have not missed any mark with their partner since the last meeting, they will share 1-3 other things they wrestled with. Perhaps anger about a co-worker, impatience in traffic, fear/anxiety/depression related to an event or person since the last meeting. Again, NO dialog, only sharing. It’s hard not to be drawn to one who demonstrates humility, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence.
Component 3 – Dialogue during this component. You will clarify the need, commit or not, and empower with a “gold nugget” during this component
Lastly, the same partner will ask this question: Is there a need you have of me that would improve our relationship for you. If so, how and why would it benefit you? The ONLY dialogue is now, and it is only to validate that the need is clearly understood and how and why it is important. I suggest starting with a small need that is doable, knowable, and observable. Once both of you are confident that the need is understood, there are three options your partner has regarding your need.
The options are:
Yes, I understand and want to meet your need.
I understand your need; I must say no for now, so I don’t set you up for pain.
I will think, pray and let you know in 24 hours or less.
The foolproof gold nugget of this process is:
If I commit to meeting your need, I want you to remind me in this way _________________________.
If, over time, I realize I have over-committed to being able to meet your need, I will be honest with you.
Now the other partner has his/her turn.
Exercise Summary:
Affirm
Acknowledge/Confess
Ask about meeting a need
Honestly commit to meet needs or not
If you commit to meeting needs, offer them a “gold nugget” to be used, should you forget.
Lastly, I suggest the couple then take a moment to hold each other, and then if time allows, the couple may schedule their week together and set the day and time to repeat this process in the next week. Some weeks there will be no need and that’s ok.
— Dr. Brent Gray, Ph.D., LMFT, LMHC, CAP
