Who Am I?

A primary lesson I have learned through providing therapy for three decades is this: It is critical that who I’m assisting and for me as a provider to be clear about who we are before delving into the solutions being sought.

Gaining that information has been not only insightful but inspiring, and it supports our developing a clarified plan to accomplish the identified goals.

There is only one you. We need the fullness and richness of your unique personhood. From where have you come, where are you, what is your passion, why? The answers help us know each other.

One of my favorite verses encourages gaining clarity and awareness: Search me, O
God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

A brief list of indicators of a lack of identity:

• We may lack confidence in setting emotional and physical boundaries

• We rarely think about what is best for us or what we may want while resenting always taking care of others.

• We may feel guilty or ashamed of making choices we believe are right for us.

• We may have been valued primarily for our success and accomplishments and not for the unique person God designed us to be.

• We avoid conflict like the plague and have a hard time saying no.

• We simply lack a strong sense of who we are. No finger-pointing or blaming is necessary.

We exist in a messy world, and we’re each a little messy. However, life can be more loving, honest, fulfilling, exciting, and hopeful when we live it out of our God-designed authentic selves!

Let’s have some fun getting to know ourselves. Following is a list of questions that I encourage you to take your time answering. The answers may be just for you or something you choose to share and/or do together with a friend, spouse, group or mentor. Enjoy knowing the wonder of you!

• What are my strengths?

• What are my short-term and long-term goals?

• What matters most to me and why?

• What am I ashamed of?

• What do I do for fun?

• What activities am I interested in or willing to try?

• What am I worried about?

• What are my values?

• What do I believe in (faith, social concerns, relationships)

• Where do I feel safest?

• What or who gives me comfort?

• How do I care about others?

• If I wasn’t afraid, I would ________________________.

• My biggest accomplishment is ______________________.

• What is my happiest memory?

• What am I passionate about?

• When I am feeling down or when I am stressed, I like to _____________________________.

• What is my favorite book, movie, music, food, color, animal?

Who am I?

— Dr. Brent Gray, Clinical Director of Spanish River Counseling Center

Revitalize with Ease

In our offices and among ourselves at Spanish River Counseling Center, there is a reverberating message heard, unlike any time I can recall.

There are many variations, but the overriding theme is “I’m exhausted, I’m tired, I never feel rested and/or recovered from the stresses I have faced.” Even the suggestion of a recent article that springtime is all about growth could trigger the weary. However, most of us do carry a desire to grow, at least somewhere deep down inside.

Below I will list a few simplistic and basic ways to “grow” or rejuvenate. I like them because they are free, easy, and offer immediate benefits. Done daily, they will increase our sense of well-being, rejuvenate, renew, and allow better rest.

PLAY

You can try something new or revisit something you have let go of. I am suggesting as few as 5-10 minutes. Personal examples: connect the dots coloring book, writing a short poem, spending 5 minutes staring at the stars, sitting or walking, and observing nature in your own yard.

MINDFULNESS OR MEDITATION

Process for 1-5 minutes. Example using Box breathing:

o   deep breathe in through nostrils for 4 seconds

o   hold your breath 4 seconds

o   breath out for 4 seconds

o   hold empty breath 4 seconds

o   begin again

Try and focus on the feeling of the air entering and leaving your body. It’s ok when your mind wanders. Just bring it back to your breath. Do this for 1-3 minutes.

MOVE YOUR BODY

I gave up my costly gym membership. I go online for 15-minute HIIT workouts at home. You can walk, bike, use a stationary bike, or perhaps have free yoga classes on television in your home.

CONNECT WITH OTHERS

Whether it is a simple text of encouragement to your child or your spouse, calling a friend, or affirming yourself. Each can be done in seconds or minutes.

PRAYER

Commune with your creator. I pray before my feet hit the floor in the morning. Thanking God for sleep, trusting God for my day ahead, and acknowledging that God goes before me and prepares a way. I pray before I go to sleep, asking God to show me ways I was loving that day and ways I wasn’t. I share my love with God, and I have learned to include loving words to myself.

I believe the total of these disciplines done daily or every other day will not only restore us from what was but also prepares us for what is to come.

— Dr. Brent Gray, Clinical Director Spanish River Counseling Center

Increasing Marital Intimacy - 6 Doors to Open for “Into-Me-See”

Each of us is in a continual state of change, whether we recognize it or not. The healthiest relationships exist between people who don’t stay the same.

Psychotherapist Esther Pearl says, “In the West today, many people are going to have experienced 2 or 3 marriages and or committed relationships. It’s just that some of us are going to do it with the same person.

The person I am married to today is a far better mate than when she walked up the aisle to meet me 28 years ago and I am grateful she is the same person. Simultaneously, I am a better husband than I was then, while still being me.

We don’t have it all figured out. We are far from perfect if that even exists. However, we are committed to growth, continually seeing and accepting the changes that are individual and collective, making room for each of us to be our authentic selves, while creating a lasting marriage.

Door 1 - Expand Your Definition of Intimacy

Intimacy is multifaceted and expressed in the ways we interact with and see our spouse through various lenses – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, intellectual, experiential, and playful.

Make the routine into a ritual, look for the good in your mate and tell them you notice. Make the mundane meaningful. Know what mood you’re bringing into the relational space. Ask your mate if and how you support their growth, confidence, and spiritual life. Simple matters. A 20-minute edifying conversation or what the Gottman Institute calls a “six-second kiss of potential” builds intimacy in ways most will never know.

Door 2 – Love Who They Are, Not What You Want Them to Be

There is much to be learned from the uniqueness of you both. Embrace and communicate appreciation for their unique and beautiful parts. God’s blueprints are greater than your design.

“If I am I, because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am and you are. But if I am I because you are you and you are you because I am I, then we are not ourselves.” -Author unknown

Door 3 – More Curiosity, Less Judgment

We can change the viewing lens through which we see our mate. One way is to reframe moments of frustration and be curious about why we are so bothered.

It has been said, “what is hysterical is historical.” In other words, instead of emotionally dysregulating and reacting, I can pause, reflect on the possibility that my over-reaction may have more to do with a past hurt than the current situation instead of immediately judging. This allows for a calmer response and also for insight about myself which I may choose to share with my mate in a way that will deepen our “into-me-see” is my getting triggered due to a past hurt, a time when I experienced inadequacy or possible abandonment. Be curious, rather than reactive.

Door 4 – Little Things Matter

Small acts can lead to big love. A gratitude text in the middle of the day can be very meaningful to your mate. Remember, love looks different at different stages of life. Scheduling your busy mate’s doctor appointments or taking your mate’s car for an oil change, unless you can do it yourself!

Door 5 – Self Care

Too many of us miss the mark by only caring for others’ needs at the expense of one’s own physical, mental and spiritual, and emotional health.

The healthiest relationships exist between two people committed to caring for themselves alongside the health of the marriage. It is not selfish to care for yourself, but rather the most selfless thing you can do.

The greatest gift we give our mates is the healthiest version of ourselves.

Door 6 – Choice

Healthy space and autonomy invite us into greater intimacy and choices. Every day we are invited to choose each other. We get to choose through the changing seasons of life so that it can be the choice of a lifetime. Stay awake to the changing seasons of your life together. Learn from your mate what influences you. Offer that compliment, their uniqueness, and their lifelong growing into the one and only unique person God exclusively designed them to be.

— Dr. Brent Gray, Ph.D., Clinical Director of Spanish River Counseling Center

What is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)?

One of the most researched and successful methods for healing trauma memory might sound like an idea that some mad scientist thought up. But to the mental health community’s surprise, it works! Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (see why we shorten it to EMDR?) works very well with a qualified therapist who is well trained and experienced in using it.

EMDR is a form of psychotherapy, pioneered by Francine Shapiro, PhD, that has proven to help people who struggle with PTSD symptoms. EMDR uses bilateral stimulation of the brain through the movement of the eyes, sound, or touch to help process trauma. By alternately stimulating both sides of the body, this therapy works to help process trauma that is stored in neural networks of the brain and the body. It literally helps to release the “charge” that keeps a memory of past wounds impacting the present. But what does that mean to you? Here’s a simplified model that works for most.

We all have regular, weekly (if not daily) fears or upsets – a driver who cuts you off, a rude co-worker, a stubbed toe – that are like little chunks of ice that flow through our emotional brain and eventually get processed and dealt with in a healthy way. The ice chips we can usually handle (especially if our brain is fairly balanced). These ice-chip-sized memories work their way through our brain’s system, where they get melted, chewed, dissolved, or redistributed, and life returns to normal fairly quickly. This is our brain’s way of helping our mind to move on.

When we are hit with a tragedy or trauma, it’s like being hit with a heavy block of ice rather than the little ice chips. We can handle and process the chips because, after all, since we were about two years old, we’ve learned that life isn’t exactly fair or perfect. So, a healthy brain deals with it or shrugs it off. Not so with big chucks of pain. Not only does the big chunk of ice stay put, but sometimes it sticks to other ice chunks and turns into an iceberg, especially if there are multiple traumas, a prolonged trauma, or a very severe trauma (soldiers in war; losing multiple friends or family members; a long, frightening bout with cancer; a shocking or painful divorce; 9/11 survivors). This is an oversimplification, but it is a picture of post-traumatic stress disorder. I should mention here that one person’s ice chip could be someone else’s chunk of ice and, depending on a number of factors, can be just as stubborn to melt.

This much pain and shock literally changes your brain, and most people who’ve been there would wholeheartedly agree with that assessment. Then you have an iceberg of collective memories that get stuck in the Basement of Giant Fears and refuse to budge, melt, or go anywhere – even though you’d love nothing more than to have it disappear or, at least, be able to minimize the painful memory to a normal size so your brain can deal with it.

Not all people who suffer get PTSD (though most do experience some form of PTSD for a little while after a trauma, even a relatively minor car accident; however, the trauma might just linger a day, a week, or a month). Some soldiers return from war and, after a reasonable period of time, are able to move forward. Others are not so fortunate, such as the soldiers returning from Iraq (particularly the ones who were in the National Guard, who weren’t prepared for the horrors of war). Some of the ability to rebound faster has to do with genetic predisposition, and some of it involves the amount of trauma and the amount of attachment to the person who was killed or who died. Also, the amount of emotional and relational support that was given during and just after the crisis can play a role in our ability to recover.

Those who probably suffer the most are adults who were abused as children when their brains really didn’t have the resources to deal with such pain, especially if their parents, clergy, or teachers, when told, didn’t respond in soothing and proactive ways. This is often called a sanctuary trauma when a child looked for safety after a traumatizing experience and was turned away. This has a way of driving the original hurt deeper into the soul.

When the iceberg gets lodged, we are hit with unwanted thoughts and memories that may interrupt us at any moment. We’re triggered easily by anything that reminds us of the day that chunk of ice landed in our lives. We have nightmares about every aspect of that iceberg, almost as if our Basement of Giant Fears doesn’t even take a break to sleep. Oh, our brain continues to work around it as best it can, but it’s not the same . . . our brain stays on hyper-alert even when we don’t want to, or mean to be.

Ultimately, EMDR works a bit like a high-powered blender. It breaks up traumatic memories into manageable pieces using a variety of blender blades; recalling painful memories and replacing them with new, improved thoughts (with a trained counselor); slowing down or interrupting the story you’ve been telling yourself (which helps remove some of its power to your brain), and using alternating eye movement, tapping, or sounds (to break up and disrupt thought patterns). Using these methods and more, we sort of whirl, if you will, that big immovable hunk of ice into smaller pieces that can then be distributed through your brain and processed like other normal-sized memories until they melt into the place where typical memories (without major stress reactions attached) are stored. To simplify even more: we help monster memories turn into medium-sized memories, so they can go through the normal brain-drain system.

1. Dr. Earl Henslin, “EMDR Therapy,” THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON JOY (2008):232-234

*Dr. Gray is a certified EMDR practitioner

— Dr. Brent Gray, Clinical Director, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., L.M.H.C., C.A.P.

Dialoging as a Couple

Here’s a 10-minute exercise to leave you having the experience of being listened to, affirmed, and understood, and an opportunity to have important needs met, without risk of conflict. 

My goal was to create a positive experience for couples to build their intimacy with each other. This exercise takes 10-15 minutes and leaves each person having the experience of being listened to, affirmed, understood, and with an opportunity to have their most important needs met, without the risk of conflict. There are three components.

Component 1 – No dialogue during this component

The couple is seated face to face, knee to knee, and looking into each other’s eyes. One partner offers the other 1-3 affirmations. Try and affirm not just what they do, but who they are. We find what we look for. So, look for the good in your partner between these connecting talks. One shares and the other listens, but NO dialog. Share-listen.

Component 2 – No dialogue during this component

The same partner will share 1-3 things they have missed the mark on since the last meeting. If they believe they have not missed any mark with their partner since the last meeting, they will share 1-3 other things they wrestled with. Perhaps anger about a co-worker, impatience in traffic, fear/anxiety/depression related to an event or person since the last meeting. Again, NO dialog, only sharing. It’s hard not to be drawn to one who demonstrates humility, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence.

Component 3 – Dialogue during this component. You will clarify the need, commit or not, and empower with a “gold nugget” during this component

Lastly, the same partner will ask this question: Is there a need you have of me that would improve our relationship for you. If so, how and why would it benefit you? The ONLY dialogue is now, and it is only to validate that the need is clearly understood and how and why it is important. I suggest starting with a small need that is doable, knowable, and observable. Once both of you are confident that the need is understood, there are three options your partner has regarding your need. 

The options are:

1. Yes, I understand and want to meet your need.

2. I understand your need; I must say no for now, so I don’t set you up for pain.

3. I will think, pray and let you know in 24 hours or less.

The foolproof gold nugget of this process is:

1. If I commit to meeting your need, I want you to remind me in this way _________________________.

2. If, over time, I realize I have over-committed to being able to meet your need, I will be honest with you.

Now the other partner has his/her turn.

Exercise Summary:

1. Affirm

2. Acknowledge/Confess

3. Ask about meeting a need

4. Honestly commit to meet needs or not

5. If you commit to meeting needs, offer them a “gold nugget” to be used, should you forget.

Lastly, I suggest the couple then take a moment to hold each other, and then if time allows, the couple may schedule their week together and set the day and time to repeat this process in the next week. Some weeks there will be no need and that’s ok.

— Dr. Brent Gray, Ph.D., LMFT, LMHC, CAP

Anxious Thoughts

Are your anxious thoughts robbing your peace of mind? 

Most anxious and depressive thoughts are literally toxic to our brains, bodies, and relationships. Try this easy and effective exercise next time you feel anxious…

A cascade of bio-chemicals gets released into our systems and we are stuck with the thoughts! When the thought occurs, find a safe, quiet place and visualize a big red STOP sign in your mind mentally and/or say out loud, “stop it. Dwelling on this is poison to my mind and body.”

Visualize three doors. Each door is a different way you can choose to deal with this provoking thought. Choose one. Do it now or later. If the thought comes back, visualize the STOP sign and begin again.

Here’s an example: 

Anxious thought: “I will never catch up at work. I’m so far behind. I am overwhelmed.”

STOP sign up: (The toxic thought won’t change reality anyway)

Three Doors of possible solutions

Door 1 - I need to just call a friend and download

Door 2 - I can ask for help at work

Door 3 - I can let my boss know I want to be productive and would like to review priorities and my job description to make sure needs and timelines are clarified so that we are on the same page.

Choose your door. Your anxiety will be relieved and your mind and body will be at ease!

— Dr. Brent Gray, Ph.D., L.M.H.C.

Hope

This is the eighth of a series of videos from Dr. Brent Gray, clinical director of Spanish River Counseling, in which he addresses our community with helpful tips and tools aimed specifically at helping us navigate the uncertain times of this COVID-19 pandemic.

Resilience

This is the seventh of a series of videos from Dr. Brent Gray, clinical director of Spanish River Counseling, in which he addresses our community with helpful tips and tools aimed specifically to help us navigate the uncertain times of this COVID-19 pandemic.

Take the Pause

This is the sixth of a series of videos from Dr. Brent Gray, clinical director of Spanish River Counseling, in which he addresses our community with helpful tips and tools aimed specifically at helping us navigate the uncertain times of this COVID-19 pandemic.

Serenity

This is the fifth of a series of videos from Dr. Brent Gray, clinical director of Spanish River Counseling, in which he addresses our community with helpful tips and tools aimed specifically at helping us navigate the uncertain times of this COVID-19 pandemic.

SERENITY PRAYER

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

Postitive Psychology

This is the fourth of a series of videos from Dr. Brent Gray, clinical director of Spanish River Counseling, in which he addresses our community with helpful tips and tools aimed specifically to help us navigate the uncertain times of this COVID-19 pandemic.

Therapeutic Breathing Techniques

This is the third of a series of videos from Dr. Brent Gray, clinical director of Spanish River Counseling, in which he addresses our community with helpful tips and tools aimed specifically to help us navigate the uncertain times of this COVID-19 pandemic.

Recognizing and Dealing with Stress

This is the second of a series of videos from Dr. Brent Gray, clinical director of Spanish River Counseling, in which he addresses our community with helpful tips and tools aimed specifically to help us navigate the uncertain times of this COVID-19 pandemic.

Introduction from Dr. Brent Gray

This is the first of a series of videos from Dr. Brent Gray, clinical director of Spanish River Counseling, in which he addresses our community with helpful tips and tools aimed specifically to help us navigate the uncertain times of this COVID-19 pandemic.