Increasing Marital Intimacy - 6 Doors to Open for “Into-Me-See”

Each of us is in a continual state of change, whether we recognize it or not. The healthiest relationships exist between people who don’t stay the same.

Psychotherapist Esther Pearl says, “In the West today, many people are going to have experienced 2 or 3 marriages and or committed relationships. It’s just that some of us are going to do it with the same person.

The person I am married to today is a far better mate than when she walked up the aisle to meet me 28 years ago and I am grateful she is the same person. Simultaneously, I am a better husband than I was then, while still being me.

We don’t have it all figured out. We are far from perfect if that even exists. However, we are committed to growth, continually seeing and accepting the changes that are individual and collective, making room for each of us to be our authentic selves, while creating a lasting marriage.

Door 1 - Expand Your Definition of Intimacy

Intimacy is multifaceted and expressed in the ways we interact with and see our spouse through various lenses – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, intellectual, experiential, and playful.

Make the routine into a ritual, look for the good in your mate and tell them you notice. Make the mundane meaningful. Know what mood you’re bringing into the relational space. Ask your mate if and how you support their growth, confidence, and spiritual life. Simple matters. A 20-minute edifying conversation or what the Gottman Institute calls a “six-second kiss of potential” builds intimacy in ways most will never know.

Door 2 – Love Who They Are, Not What You Want Them to Be

There is much to be learned from the uniqueness of you both. Embrace and communicate appreciation for their unique and beautiful parts. God’s blueprints are greater than your design.

“If I am I, because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am and you are. But if I am I because you are you and you are you because I am I, then we are not ourselves.” -Author unknown

Door 3 – More Curiosity, Less Judgment

We can change the viewing lens through which we see our mate. One way is to reframe moments of frustration and be curious about why we are so bothered.

It has been said, “what is hysterical is historical.” In other words, instead of emotionally dysregulating and reacting, I can pause, reflect on the possibility that my over-reaction may have more to do with a past hurt than the current situation instead of immediately judging. This allows for a calmer response and also for insight about myself which I may choose to share with my mate in a way that will deepen our “into-me-see” is my getting triggered due to a past hurt, a time when I experienced inadequacy or possible abandonment. Be curious, rather than reactive.

Door 4 – Little Things Matter

Small acts can lead to big love. A gratitude text in the middle of the day can be very meaningful to your mate. Remember, love looks different at different stages of life. Scheduling your busy mate’s doctor appointments or taking your mate’s car for an oil change, unless you can do it yourself!

Door 5 – Self Care

Too many of us miss the mark by only caring for others’ needs at the expense of one’s own physical, mental and spiritual, and emotional health.

The healthiest relationships exist between two people committed to caring for themselves alongside the health of the marriage. It is not selfish to care for yourself, but rather the most selfless thing you can do.

The greatest gift we give our mates is the healthiest version of ourselves.

Door 6 – Choice

Healthy space and autonomy invite us into greater intimacy and choices. Every day we are invited to choose each other. We get to choose through the changing seasons of life so that it can be the choice of a lifetime. Stay awake to the changing seasons of your life together. Learn from your mate what influences you. Offer that compliment, their uniqueness, and their lifelong growing into the one and only unique person God exclusively designed them to be.

— Dr. Brent Gray, Ph.D., Clinical Director of Spanish River Counseling Center