Contemporary Christian Marriage: Part One
Marriages face at least three major challenges—the devaluation of marriage in society, misunderstanding about basic emotions and the fall of mankind, and lack of knowledge about basic building blocks of biblical marriage.
Building Block 1: Invite your wife to the Marriage of Her Dreams
It does not have to be complicated. It could be little things: Would you like to go to church on Sunday? How about we go out for coffee and just talk about whatever you want to talk about?
Date Night
Despite rejection, God continues to pursue His beloved because He is a covenant-keeping God. A Christian husband should demonstrate, in like manner, the same kind of zealous pursuit of his beloved in the covenant of marriage.
1. Invite your wife.
Banish selfishness and think of her interests first. Find out what your wife would like to do this weekend, and invite her to do that activity with you. This will be a switch.
2. Know your wife’s interests and act on them.
If your wife’s dream is to go on a trip to a foreign country, surprise her with tickets, or just invite her to go and do the planning together. If you do not really know your wife’s dreams, or if she cannot put them into words, invite her to a brainstorming session where she lists on paper what a dream marriage would look like.
3. Take the first step.
As husbands, we need to live by faith and trust God for transformation. This means that if initiation is unchartered territory, like Abraham leaving Ur for the desert, husbands need to take that first step in faith.
Question for thought: Would inviting your wife to what she wants put your relationship in a better place?
Building Block 2: Show Love
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy.” Consequently, husbands need to wake up from their slumber and become pro-active, and exhibit behaviors that demonstrate love.
Hard Work Does Not Equal Love
Many husbands assume that enough material provision eliminates the need to contribute in other ways to their marriage.
Love Is Not Reciprocal
Expectations run very high when couples get married. This is normal. However, if expectations do not adjust to a realistic level, unhappiness will prevail. Marriage is not a ticket to having all our needs met.
Love is Not Sentimentalism
Sentimentalism is the demand for constant “feelings of love”. This demand is simply unrealistic. Feelings will come and go in any marriage. Often there will be negative emotions, but love is not sentimentalism.
Love Has an Object
God chooses us as His people, not because we are good or worthy, but because He is a loving king. It is the same for earthly husbands. He loves his wife because he chooses to love.
Love Is Spiritual
Spiritual love is about modeling God’s love and then responding to God’s love by loving our wife. Spiritual love is not about her, spiritual love is about God.
Love Is Related to Gender
Not all women are lovers seeking romance, and not all men are lugs who have to be commanded to love their wives. Ultimately, men and women tend to approach love differently.
Love Is Symbolic
This is perhaps the most transformative statement made about love. Women tend to see certain behaviors and attitudes as symbolic. This concept is a hard one for men to wrap their heads around.
Question for thought: Ask your wife if she thinks you are active or passive in bestowing love.
Building Block 3: Lead your Wife
So how should a Christian man define himself? The biblical answer is that a man is to be “like Christ.” Christ is our model in terms of spiritual life and practice, emotional health, and even in terms of what it means to be male.
Promise Keepers
The Promise Keeper model views a man as a servant leader. This model is supported by biblical examples of Christ’s sacrifices for His beloved bride, the church.
The Warrior Model
The warrior image, like the servant image, is not all there is to the picture God gives us in the Bible. Life takes on new meaning when men realize they have some exciting roles to fulfill by faith in marriage.
Our View of God
A person’s view of man tends to follow his or her view of God. A man who views God as loving and forgiving will treat his family likewise. A correct view of God should get us closer to how a man should live.
Prophet, Priest, and King
The roles of prophet, priest, and king have spiritual nature, so they can only be accomplished by faith. We have to trust fully in our Heavenly Father in order to fulfill these roles.
Practical Suggestions
Have a regular time of Bible reading.
Have a consistent time when you pray for yourself, your marriage, and your children.
Get your family to church.
Question for thought: Which marriage model is new to your mind and how would you assess it?
The modern “sensitive” male—the pacifist type.
The servant leader with an emphasis on serving both in the church and in the home.
The “wild-man” theory—the slightly dangerous male.
The prophet, priest, and king model.
— Don McCulloch, Ph.D.
Excerpts from Perfect Circle: A Husband’s Guide to the Six Tasks of a Contemporary Christian Marriage