When They Don’t Call Anymore

We have all heard of empty nest syndrome – when the last child leaves home, and then the parents experience symptoms of depression. Most people probably do not take this too seriously – at least not until you are the one caught in its throes. It can cause significant symptoms of depression and negative emotions for some. Not surprisingly, there is a fair amount of solid research on this topic. I would like to share that with you. But first, one story:

When my son ran on his high school cross-country team, I used to go watch practices. This is a true example of over-parenting. Cross-country practice consists of the team going off on a run and coming back. Not much to watch. Weirdly, parents attending practice was a thing at my son’s school. The boys and girls’ team practiced together and they had won states on many occasions. Therefore, practices were actually a time for parents to gather, socialize and congratulate themselves on what healthy kids they had raised. One day a mom came to watch practice. However, her son had already graduated and was off at college – she missed him and just wanted to connect with what used to be. I found this strange but had a sneaking suspicion that one day I just might be there myself. I have no idea if she suffered from empty nest syndrome, but I have great empathy for what the loss of parenting experiences could mean for the parent.

THE RESEARCH

The research makes it clear – not everyone whose children leave the nest experience empty nest syndrome.  In fact, research shows that some parents have the opposite effect. Marriages and life satisfaction improve when the last child leaves home. Plus, empty nest syndrome seems to mainly affect traditional family structures – where one parent – usually the mom, has invested her life and, to some extent, her identity in being the child’s parent. In such cases, significant negative emotions may result. My own research found that symptoms of depression were worse in two situations; when the parenting style was more permissive (the parent was more of a friend to the child than an authority figure), and when the parent was single when the last child left home.

THE GOOD NEWS

The good news is that empty nest syndrome can be mitigated by regular communication. Having healthy contact with your child when they leave home for college, work, or the military is key. Healthy contact is the optimal word. Some parents overdo it and some should be more proactive. When a child leaves the nest – they need a chance to actually leave. They need to learn to make their own decisions without mom and dad. As a college professor, I have seen students who talk to their parents three times a day. I think that is too much.  Children are loaned to us by God and we need to encourage them to develop their own lives since we will not always be able to be there for them.  I think parents also need to be careful regarding tracking their children on their phones. This should only be done with their permission, or if there are particular safety concerns.  We never tracked our children at college, but our children let their siblings track them in case there was an emergency. The amount of expected contact is just one more thing that should be discussed when your children leave the nest. Overkill can lead to greater anxiety for our children and that will backfire on the parents (see my blog post on estrangement).

GENDER DIFFERENCES

There will be gender differences. Boys simply do not communicate as much when they leave the nest.  Expectations should be lower for boys. A single mom’s son attended the same college as my daughter.  That mom would call my wife about once a month to see if my daughter could let her know what was happening with her son – who never called her. Too much contact can lead to problems but no contact is not acceptable. Usually, parents have some leverage – they are helping pay for school, housing, or insurance. In these cases, parents should stipulate that ongoing support will be dependent on a weekly phone call of at least ten minutes.

SUMMARY

In summary, empty nest syndrome affects a minority of parents when they launch their last child.  If it affects you, negative emotions are very real.  Communication is a key factor. Parents should have a conversation with their children regarding the frequency of communication. Finally, if you suffer from empty nest syndrome, remember that God never forgets His children. This is promised to all of us in Isaiah 49:15, 16. Feel free to contact me, Don McCulloch, Ph.D., for counseling or consultation related to empty nest syndrome.

— Dr. Don McCulloch, Ph.D.

Contemporary Christian Marriage: Part Two

Marriages face at least three major challenges—the devaluation of marriage in society, misunderstanding about basic emotions and the fall of mankind, and lack of knowledge about basic building blocks of biblical marriage

Building Block 4: Avoid Temptation

Reversing the curse on marriage means not only leading and inviting your wife to marriage transformation and showing unconditional love, but it also requires balance by avoiding pornography and sexual imbalance. The task of avoidance can best be accomplished by adhering to the following corrective principles.

Corrective Principle #1: Avoid Behavior to Which There is No End

A common theme among men who struggle with sexual balance is an obsession with behavior that is seemingly unending. The pursuit of sexual pleasure in and of itself is an endless and ultimately deadening toil.

Practical Suggestions

Don’t click on any internet sites that involve sexual content (even if it is written content), because it will never end. Endless pursuit of sexual pleasure is no filler for a real encounter with the eternal God.

Corrective Principle #2: Fast from Sexual Stimulation

Sexual fasting involves refraining from sex, but it also has a specific purpose; to re-set your sexual thermostat and devote time to praying to God.

Practical Suggestions

Sexuality can be drab and routine if the purpose of sexuality is only a release valve. For that reason, and others, there are times to abstain from sex (and not seek sexual stimulation elsewhere). During that time, you can pray that your desire for your wife’s body will properly increase.

Corrective Principle #3: Reverse the Curse on Your Sex Life

In reversing the curse, behavior prior to the fall of man is instructive. In fact, the verse right before the fall of man, which is Genesis 2:25 says, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

Practical Suggestion

Let your wife’s body, unadorned as Eve’s before the fall, become your focus. Spend time naked in each other’s presence.

Transformative Principle #1: Keep Intimacy Simple and Sacred (K.I.S.S.)

This is not dull sexuality, but it is productive sexuality. A simple approach to sexuality often produces intense pleasure because it is not about the peripherals—it is about enjoying each other’s bodies.

Transformative Principle #2: Don’t Be So Selfish

Not approaching your wife and inviting her to engage in sexual intimacy is a common way of being selfish. Don’t let the initiation of sexual intimacy rest on her shoulders.

Transformative Principle #3: Be the Prophet, Priest, and King of Your Sex Life

A good prophet speaks the word of God. The priest seeks the holiness of his wife. The king, as the spiritual leader of the home, is the one who is the arbiter of loveliness.

Question for thought: Do you think our sexual intimacy is simple and sacred?

Building Block 5: Nurture Significance

Many people who struggle with individual problems also struggle with their sense of self. More accurately, they feel that God is not pleased with them; as a result, they tell themselves many negative untruths. This negative self-talk in turn leads to ungodly and unhappy behaviors which create negative patterns. Negative thoughts and behavior patterns then form the basis for all kinds of life problems and mental disturbances. The solution is simple and biblical.

Christ is the Answer

Christ is the solution to our self-esteem problems. Learning who we are in Christ is the key to our mental health. Realistically we are sinners. Yet, if we are believers, we are no longer under Christ’s wrath and judgment. 

The Self Esteem of Your Spouse Matters

A Christian marriage starts with the premise that Christ is the center of married life. However, over the course of time, it is not uncommon for a spouse to struggle with self-esteem issues. The marriage relationship can be the means God uses to help spouses resolve self-esteem issues.

Help Your Wife Find True Significance

Liberating your wife from the oppression of the perfect tyrant is certainly mission number one. A husband may not realize he has an important role to play in rescuing his wife from her own lies.

Assignment for Transformed Significance

Look up the following verses: Ephesians 1:7 and 2:5, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Jeremiah 31:3, and Romans 8:1, 17, and 37. What do these verses say about who we are in Christ? Discuss these findings with your spouse or write him or her a letter that lists what the Bible says about who he or she is in Christ.

Question for thought: What kind of thoughts do you speak to yourself, or does your spouse say, that reinforces the above feelings of insignificance?

Building Block 6: Deal with Anger and Depression

In terms of emotional health, God wants to redeem two particular emotions, depression and anger. The complicating factor of marriage is that more often than not, those two emotions are directed toward our spouse. Unfortunately, these emotions are often denied by some Christians, while for others, these emotions are seen as relationship failures.

Dealing with Anger

Anger and even depression get associated with sinful behavior so we tend to deny their existence. When Christians talk about these emotions, they tend to give simplistic solutions, not dealing with the fact that these emotions can have deep roots.

Dealing with Depression

Depression, because it is emotional, is often regulated to the realm of the mysterious, the superstitious, and the vaguely sinful. Medical problems and depression are things that ultimately only God can heal. All of our hard work comes to naught if God doesn’t choose to heal.

Depression versus the Weight of Sin

Some people struggle with forgiving themselves. Of course, it is God who heals and it is God who forgives, so these people need to be encouraged to stop trying to forgive themselves and see themselves as God sees them, as His beloved and precious children.

Here are some things to consider:

1. Everybody gets depressed at some point. Depression is a common problem and, in most cases, it is a passing experience

   • Not all depressions are the same and that is what makes it so confusing.

   • Bipolar depression is characterized by periods of mania (excessive activity, high energy, euphoria, or an unrealistic mood) so at times these sufferers are the opposite of depressed.

   • Major depression is characterized by negative moods and a lack of pleasure from experiences that used to be pleasurable.

   • Mild depression and chronic low-level depression are often harder to diagnose and treat. Counseling can help and medication should not be the first avenue of intervention.

   • Postpartum depression hits a new mother suddenly. Some medical conditions in men can also produce sudden depression.

   • Finally, when people face losses, they experience a type of depression known as grief.

2. From all of the above, it should be clear that one solution does not fit all. It’s complicated.

3. If you are suffering from depression, it is important to realize that getting your spouse to change will not make you feel better.

4. Lastly, keep in your mind that all depression goes in cycles, like much of God’s created world. Depression is often our body’s way of forcing us to slow down and learn about ourselves.

Question for thought: Do I come across as someone who angers easily?

— Don McCulloch, Ph.D.

Excerpts from Perfect Circle: A Husband’s Guide to the Six Tasks of a Contemporary Christian Marriage

Contemporary Christian Marriage: Part One

Marriages face at least three major challenges—the devaluation of marriage in society, misunderstanding about basic emotions and the fall of mankind, and lack of knowledge about basic building blocks of biblical marriage.

Building Block 1: Invite your wife to the Marriage of Her Dreams

It does not have to be complicated. It could be little things: Would you like to go to church on Sunday? How about we go out for coffee and just talk about whatever you want to talk about?

• Date Night

Despite rejection, God continues to pursue His beloved because He is a covenant-keeping God. A Christian husband should demonstrate, in like manner, the same kind of zealous pursuit of his beloved in the covenant of marriage.

1. Invite your wife.

Banish selfishness and think of her interests first. Find out what your wife would like to do this weekend, and invite her to do that activity with you. This will be a switch. 

2. Know your wife’s interests and act on them.

If your wife’s dream is to go on a trip to a foreign country, surprise her with tickets, or just invite her to go and do the planning together. If you do not really know your wife’s dreams, or if she cannot put them into words, invite her to a brainstorming session where she lists on paper what a dream marriage would look like.

3. Take the first step.

As husbands, we need to live by faith and trust God for transformation. This means that if initiation is unchartered territory, like Abraham leaving Ur for the desert, husbands need to take that first step in faith. 

Question for thought: Would inviting your wife to what she wants put your relationship in a better place?

Building Block 2: Show Love

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy.” Consequently, husbands need to wake up from their slumber and become pro-active, and exhibit behaviors that demonstrate love.

• Hard Work Does Not Equal Love

Many husbands assume that enough material provision eliminates the need to contribute in other ways to their marriage.

• Love Is Not Reciprocal

Expectations run very high when couples get married. This is normal. However, if expectations do not adjust to a realistic level, unhappiness will prevail. Marriage is not a ticket to having all our needs met. 

• Love is Not Sentimentalism

Sentimentalism is the demand for constant “feelings of love”. This demand is simply unrealistic. Feelings will come and go in any marriage. Often there will be negative emotions, but love is not sentimentalism. 

• Love Has an Object

God chooses us as His people, not because we are good or worthy, but because He is a loving king. It is the same for earthly husbands. He loves his wife because he chooses to love.

• Love Is Spiritual

Spiritual love is about modeling God’s love and then responding to God’s love by loving our wife. Spiritual love is not about her, spiritual love is about God.

• Love Is Related to Gender

Not all women are lovers seeking romance, and not all men are lugs who have to be commanded to love their wives. Ultimately, men and women tend to approach love differently. 

• Love Is Symbolic

This is perhaps the most transformative statement made about love. Women tend to see certain behaviors and attitudes as symbolic. This concept is a hard one for men to wrap their heads around. 

Question for thought: Ask your wife if she thinks you are active or passive in bestowing love.

Building Block 3: Lead your Wife

So how should a Christian man define himself? The biblical answer is that a man is to be “like Christ.” Christ is our model in terms of spiritual life and practice, emotional health, and even in terms of what it means to be male.

• Promise Keepers

The Promise Keeper model views a man as a servant leader. This model is supported by biblical examples of Christ’s sacrifices for His beloved bride, the church.

• The Warrior Model

The warrior image, like the servant image, is not all there is to the picture God gives us in the Bible. Life takes on new meaning when men realize they have some exciting roles to fulfill by faith in marriage.

• Our View of God

A person’s view of man tends to follow his or her view of God. A man who views God as loving and forgiving will treat his family likewise. A correct view of God should get us closer to how a man should live.

• Prophet, Priest, and King

The roles of prophet, priest, and king have spiritual nature, so they can only be accomplished by faith. We have to trust fully in our Heavenly Father in order to fulfill these roles.

Practical Suggestions

1. Have a regular time of Bible reading.

2. Have a consistent time when you pray for yourself, your marriage, and your children.

3. Get your family to church.

Question for thought: Which marriage model is new to your mind and how would you assess it?

1. The modern “sensitive” male—the pacifist type.

2. The servant leader with an emphasis on serving both in the church and in the home.

3. The “wild-man” theory—the slightly dangerous male.

4. The prophet, priest, and king model.

— Don McCulloch, Ph.D.

Excerpts from Perfect Circle: A Husband’s Guide to the Six Tasks of a Contemporary Christian Marriage

God Knows About Estrangement

In my last blog post, I discussed the phenomenon of adult children becoming disconnected or estranged from their parents.  I also noted that this is not an idea that is foreign to God.  God knows about estrangement and is often depicted in the Old Testament as a parent who has been rejected by his very own children.  I would now like to look at one cause of estrangement and one hopeful solution.

A primary cause of estrangement is “anxious parenting”.  There are so many areas for good parents may legitimately be concerned about: drugs, sex, gender identity, kidnappings, terrorism, school shootings, pandemics, bullying, school quality, socialization, moral and character development – as well as challenges to faith in the context of secular culture.  All of these concerns may result in parents being protective, intense, and even controlling in the way they parent.  Parents naturally try to closely orchestrate or micro-manage the experiences of their children, hence the term “helicopter parent”.  A writer from the New York Times was quoted as saying that presently “all parenting is anxious parenting”.  Helicopter parenting has even given way to “lawnmower parenting” – where the parent “mows down” all the obstacles in their child’s life.  In such a situation the child feels no sense of control and empowerment for themselves. The parent is always telling the child what to do and eventually, the child just wants to get distance from the over intensity of the parent.  Note that the intentions of the parent are completely loving and sincere, but the child’s perception can be that they are being smothered.  Many children in this generation suffer from an epidemic of anxiety and the anxious parent only makes them feel greater anxiety.  That is why some therapists will advise adult children to distance themselves from their parents for the sake of their mental health.

Once again, God has been similarly misperceived.  In the Book of Hosea, the prophet speaking for God says, “Though I were to write out for him ten thousand points of My instruction, they would be regarded as something strange” (Hosea 8:12, Holman Bible).   Here we see God as a parent trying to direct his children and the response is to regard that direction as “something strange”.  Close parenting and the response of estrangement are not far from one another.  Fortunately, the Bible also has a very practical solution.

Joshua Coleman, writing in his seminal book, Rules of Estrangement, says the solution to this problem is “Hard, Hard, Hard”.  That is because the solution not only requires tremendous humility but in fact humility IS the solution.  Often the estranged adult child has not been in contact with their parents for months or years, yet it is the parent (with a therapist’s help) who must extend the olive branch to attempt reconciliation.  This situation is indeed unusual and counter-intuitive.  The parents are the jilted party and the adult child has made it clear they want no contact with the parent.  However, the reality is that the adult child does not want contact with the “parents as they have always perceived them,” – but they may be interested in some gradual contact with parents who will not make them feel anxious and with parents who will see things from and validate the adult child’s perspective.  Usually, the adult child has expressed their concerns to the parents and those concerns have previously been dismissed.  This is where humility becomes THE solution.  If the parent wants a relationship with their adult child, they will have to find some merit or understanding in their adult child’s narrative.  This is extremely difficult since, from the parent’s perspective, what the adult child is saying is either completely or partially false.  To which the adult child often has an accusatory and negative perception of childhood events that completely baffle the parents whose intentions always have, in their mind, been loving and caring – strange indeed.  

Listening and trying to find understanding and a level of agreement with a perceived false narrative is certainly humbling, but how is this Biblical?  The Bible teaches us to be “completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). Perhaps surprisingly, it also teaches that we should “keep no record of wrongs” (I Corinthians 13:5), that “in humility” we consider others better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3), and sometimes it is preferable to be wronged (I Corinthians 6:7).  The adult child will make claims and have a narrative that may be very difficult to hear.  However, parents can listen in all patience and humility – we don’t need to keep a record of wrongs (or set the record straight since we aren’t keeping it), we can consider that their version is better than our own, and finally, we may even agree to suffer wrong (we may need to bear with our adult child).  In previous encounters between the parents and the adult child, the parents, being parents, try to correct the narrative and even respond defensively. In the new “humble mode,” – the parent listens patiently and humbly and responds not with correction but with expressions of love.

Josh Coleman says this is Hard, and for Christians, it IS difficult but it should also be familiar territory in our Christian walk. 

— Don McCulloch, Ph.D.

God Knows Family Estrangement

It turns out that parental estrangement from their adult children is a current phenomenon. A common theme is children who have been raised in fairly typical households move away from home and find it too stressful or troublesome to maintain a relationship with their parents. Parents work hard to make their children’s lives successful and instill in them a sense of independence – and that independence apparently includes the freedom from ongoing communication with their parents.

A few years back, our good friend’s daughter, a young woman who was raised in a conservative Christian homeschooling family, cut her parents out of her life. A few years ago, she stopped all communication with her mother and moved to another part of the country. The other day her father told me with great sadness in his voice that his daughter decided she would also be stopping all communication with him.

Joshua Coleman, writing in The Atlantic, points out that the causes of estrangement are complex, but many factors that may influence estrangement are divorce, lack of filial and community bonds that were common in past generations, and anxious parenting. Coleman also makes a strong case that parents of young adults simply underestimate and misunderstand the value their own children place on feelings and emotional capital.

The experience of my friends and recent clients with the same struggle, caused me to reflect on whether the Bible had anything to say regarding estrangement. Typically, the story of the prodigal son does not apply. The adult child is not an addict and has not run off to spend the family fortune recklessly. The children who choose estrangement from parents often are doing relatively well, which makes the cut-off all the more painful for parents to comprehend. It is not about waiting for the child to “come to their senses” because that day may never come. For Biblical metaphors, we have to dig a little deeper into the Old Testament. Israel, often referred to as Ephraim, was God’s chosen people, and God clearly viewed them collectively as a parent would a child. Ephraim had already willfully become estranged from God when Jeremiah makes this statement from God, “Is Ephraim my dear son? Is he my darling child? For as often as I speak against him, I do remember him still. Therefore, my heart yearns for him” (Jeremiah 31:20). Note the feelings of God as a parent. He calls his son dear, darling, and yearns for him. This is the heart of the estranged parent. The depiction of God’s estrangement from His own children is heightened in the book of Hosea. Hosea makes this statement for God, “When Israel was a child, I loved him and out of Egypt I called my son. The more they were called, the more they went away…Yet it was I who taught Ephraim how to walk, I took them up by their arms…” (Hosea 11:1,2). This passage has all the markings of parental estrangement. The tender memories of raising the child and, ultimately, the rejection despite repeated attempts to connect.

God knows about estrangement. This new phenomenon is not new to Him. God personally relates to this heart sickness. Take it to Him. Pray for your children and talk honestly to God about your feelings. 

Stay tuned. Future blog posts will make suggestions of how I try to help my estranged clients.

— Dr. Don McCulloch, Ph.D., is a Psychology Professor at Palm Beach Atlantic University and a Counselor at Spanish River Counseling Center.