What is Speaking Life? - Part III: Through My Mate's Eyes
In my last blog, I mentioned 5 Clear Communication steps summarized as being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Focusing on the middle step is rare. It kind of dissolves between listening with haste and delaying ire. Most think it’s a nice way of saying put a clamp on it, which it does, but not just verbally but also cognitively. Stop your inner tapes while your partner is sharing, complaining, pleading, or pontificating.
Most know it is folly to prejudge a matter, and that is what we are doing as we formulate a response before truly understanding their heart: we assume or read nonverbal cues. We focus more on us being right versus them being understood. While they expound we redound in our brains. So, I ask you how can one truly comprehend when there are two voices in our mind?
The concept of Clear Communication mitigates this process by helping the listener truly understand what they are hearing and seeing before they respond. They walk slowly into their perception of what the speaker is actually meaning versus what they are reading into their nonverbal speech (body language, tonality, countenance, movement, etc.). It helps me ask what the other person means and admits my own interpretation and feelings, versus allowing my prejudging theirs. There are 5 basic steps:
Give My Objective Observation: what I actually see, hear, smell, or experience: when I saw you walk out; when I heard your voice go up, or when I saw your eyebrows raise, etc.
Explain My Interpretation: “I understood that to mean…”, “I interpreted that to mean…”, “I believe you were saying…”, etc.
Confirm My Feeling: “And I felt”, “Then I had this emotion”, “And as a result, I experienced”, etc.
Explain My Want: “And I would like you to…”, “And my desire is for you to…”, “I would appreciate…”. etc.
Invite Them to Respond
I encourage the listener to repeat what they heard, then before explaining anything, own their regret for the other person’s negative experience. Why? Even if I accidentally caused hurt or confusion or frustration, do I care if they are feeling wronged? First express that regret (Note: I am not admitting that is what I just did, just that whatever occurred caused some discord and I desire to rectify it.)
Important to note: Steps 4 and 5 often are left us… a person responds with their feelings and what upsets them but never clarifies what they want or even stops to invite a response. These are significant steps. It will feel awkward but it’s better than arguing ad nauseam!
— Jeff Bercaw, MTF Intern