Addressing Toxic Positivity
Those who have experienced clinical anxiety, depression, and/or significant trauma and loss have likely heard the well-meaning “just think happy thoughts!”, “think of all you have to be grateful for!”, or other “power of positive thinking”- type comments. I am here as a trauma-informed clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience to tell you gently but firmly — please stop telling people this. The human experience is vast and complex and can be often heavy and intense. When someone you love is experiencing depression or otherwise feeling overwhelmed, they need patience and compassion for what they are experiencing emotionally, not dismissive, invalidating comments such as these (even though they are usually not intended to be invalidating). I will submit to you that if you find yourself wanting to tell someone “it’s not that bad” or “you’re just being dramatic”, this is actually you experiencing discomfort in response to their “negative” feelings. I respectfully challenge you to dig a little deeper – what about their experience is making you uncomfortable? Perhaps you feel helpless and do not know how to support them. Maybe you recall a time earlier in your life when you struggled with depression, anxiety, sadness, or loss and these were the types of comments you received – and if so, I am truly sorry. You deserved better. You deserved to receive the message that you are loved no matter what mood you are in or what sadness you carry.
I have so many clients - countless, honestly – that will apologize the moment they start crying in my office. Why do we do that? Why do we feel we need to apologize for being human? I tell my clients they are allowed to be emotionally “messy” here. It’s okay. In order to truly heal, we often need permission to experience the full range of our emotions within a safe environment. And what makes a person safe? Therapists often use the phrase “holding space” which essentially just means providing a non-judgmental room (literally or metaphorically) where people can express and explore their feelings without feeling they have to “package” it in gratitude or otherwise sugar-coat sometimes truly awful experiences. Sometimes humans get stuck in sadness or anger and yes, it is frustrating to love someone who is stuck and “always negative” – but reframe this as a privilege of sorts: The person who is sharing where they are sad and stuck trusts you enough to express themselves authentically. You don’t have to “fix it” for them. I tell my clients, “When in doubt, reflect” – just reflect back to them how hard it must be to feel that way. Such as “I’m so sorry you experienced that, it must be so hard for you to carry that day in and day out.” -or - “I’m here for you. I love you no matter what mood you are in.” Often, a simple, “I can see you are struggling. I’m here for you. How can I help?” or “What do you need most from me today/this week?” can help the individual feel less alone and more supported.
And yes, it is also completely okay to set boundaries with loved ones who are experiencing mental health issues – this is important to protect your own peace and energy. It is completely appropriate to say something like “Hey, I can see you are struggling. I want to be able to help, but I do not have the emotional resources myself today for a phone call. Can I call you tomorrow or next week?” Or “I care about you and I can see this is a difficult situation for you - and I am not able to hear any more about this topic today. Let’s talk tomorrow/(offer another day).” This helps prevent emotional burnout (and the usual snarky/impatient comments that can come with not protecting your own emotional space). This takes practice. It can also be an opening to gently redirect the individual toward a professional counselor who is trained to “hold space” for the emotions of struggling humans.
Here are some other helpful statements for individuals struggling with depression/anxiety/loss (adapted from @therealdepressionproject):
“I’m here for you, even when you are not feeling 100%”
“I’m proud of you. I see how hard you are trying.”
“You don’t have to be happy all the time to be loved. I’m here for you.”
“It’s okay to be emotionally messy. We’re all human.”
“I/we love you, no matter what mental space you are in. The good, the bad, all of it. I am/we are here for you.”
— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.