The “Magic” of Emotional Regulation for Children
Children having a tantrum are the best example of a lack of emotional regulation. Children learn emotional regulation in relationship with a nurturing, attentive caregiver who helps them identify and verbalize their emotions and then provides empathy and connection.
Parents often ask me how to help a child with emotional regulation. Here are three simple steps.
First, help the child identify with the emotion they are experiencing. For example, when your child is sad, you could say, “you’re really sad about this.”
The next step is to empathize with the child. I often encourage parents to think of a time they had the same feeling and voice it. For example, your child is sad his friend can’t play. You can say, ”you’re really sad that you can’t play with Sam today.” “I know when I don’t get to see my friends it makes me sad too.”
The third step is to offer some comfort or support. A parent might say, “come here and let me give you a hug.” Helping children identify all their feelings helps them become comfortable sharing feelings with others. Providing empathy about feelings helps a child know they are not alone in their feelings, and comfort or support helps them to feel better and more connected to you. They learn through this process, feelings can be shared, my feelings are important, and while I may have difficult feelings, I have someone who will be with me during difficult times.
So why is it magic? Let me share a story with you about the benefits of helping your child with emotional regulation. I was working with a dad whose child had been through some very traumatic experiences and was quite often dysregulated and angry. I encouraged the dad to try the steps. He told me, “that’s not going to work!” We had a session together with the dad and child. The child began to have a fit over something she wanted that she couldn’t have. I said, “you’re really mad you can’t have that cookie right now.” “I know; I don’t like it when I can’t have what I want either.” The child stopped the fit and looked at me quietly but still crying. I said, “I know it is really hard when we don’t get what we want.” “I bet your dad could help with that.” How about a hug from dad. The child turned immediately to her father and he gave her a hug. She looked up into his face and said, “I love you, daddy.” I’ll never forget dad’s words. He said with a big smile on his face, “it’s magic.” Well, it’s not really magic, but it does help children learn emotional regulation for a full range of emotions. It is best done during early childhood and in a relationship with a nurturing caregiver. If your child is struggling to regulate their emotions or you are struggling to help them, don’t wait. Please call us. We love helping parents and children develop strong secure relationships that last a lifetime.
— Carrie Ellis is a LMHC with Spanish River Counseling Center in Boca Raton, Florida. She is a Trust Based Relational Intervention Practitioner, trained to implement Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, and a Circle of Security Facilitator. Carrie works together in team counseling with her husband Matt. They have a special focus on adoptive families. Both are adoption-competent therapists.
