Attention or Connection

“Every time you think a child’s behavior is “attention seeking” consider changing it to “connection seeking” and see how your perspective changes”.  - Jody Carrington

So how do you do that with annoying behaviors? Ignore the negative behavior and look for the minute your child does a positive behavior. Then swoop in and seek to connect with your child for positive behavior. Do this and watch the negative behavior drift away. Still having trouble? Please feel free to call us.

— Carrie Ellis, LMHC

Play More

According to research by Dr. Karyn Purvis, scientists have discovered that it takes approximately 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain unless it is done in play, in which case it only takes 10 to 20 repetitions.

So, play more with your kids. You don’t know how to play? No problem! Join for a session or two and learn ways to play and engage with your children. Most likely you had them to enjoy them. So, play with them and reduce your stress and theirs. Still, finding it difficult? Please give us a call for some one-on-one coaching. 

— Carrie Ellis, LMHC

Designing your Child’s Relationship Blueprint

We are created by God to be in a relationship with both Him and the others He places in our lives. Our lives are a network of relationships with others near and far away. God designed into each and every person a process through our neural networks that are the blueprint for relationships and that program is strengthened and developed in early childhood through our experiences in relationships with our caregivers. The program that is written into our neural networks for relationships generally remains the blueprint for all our future relationships throughout life, with some exceptions.

So, what do you want your child’s relational blueprint to look like? Children decide about relationships in early childhood based on their experiences in relationships. Since parents are generally a child’s first relationship and since our relationship blueprint generally remains in place throughout our lives, it is an important time to spend writing into their hearts a balance of nurture and structure. Here are a few tips to get you started:

• Spend 5 minutes a day in uninterrupted play with your child in their world. Let them pull out a few of their favorite toys and play along. Get into it and enjoy your time.

• Watch what they do that is appropriate and follow along.

• Sprinkle in a few compliments of things they are doing well. For example, “I love how you use your imagination to build awesome towers.” Be sure to also compliment them on all the ways they use their manners, share, sit quietly, and play gently.

• Don’t ask a lot of questions or try to direct their play. Rather listen for them to speak and then repeat what they say. Questions generally shut down conversations but listening and repeating or paraphrasing back to a child increases communication, and their vocabulary and speech generally improve as an added benefit.

• Notice what they are doing with their hands and give words to their actions.  For example, “I see you are putting the egg in the pan.” “You are cooking on the stove and now you are putting the food on the plate” for a child who is engaged in play cooking.  It may seem like you are stating the obvious but there is great power in “noticing.” It sends a powerful message to your child, “I am seen by my caregiver.”  What do we watch as humans? That which we care about, value, and are interested in. When you notice your child and what they do with the verbal description, you say, “I care about you,” I am interested in what you are doing,” or “you are worth watching.” These are powerful messages each human longs to experience with their caregiver.

So, give it a try! Spend a few minutes a day engaged in one on one play with your child. Put into practice these few skills and see what happens. Each of these skills is specifically designed to build and enhance relationships. If you find it difficult to get started or there are obstacles blocking you, give us a call. We routinely work with parents and children to build stronger, healthier relationships. We’d love to help you too.

— Carrie C. Ellis, LMHC

The “Magic” of Emotional Regulation for Children

Children having a tantrum are the best example of a lack of emotional regulation.  Children learn emotional regulation in relationship with a nurturing, attentive caregiver who helps them identify and verbalize their emotions and then provides empathy and connection. 

Parents often ask me how to help a child with emotional regulation.  Here are three simple steps. 

First, help the child identify with the emotion they are experiencing. For example, when your child is sad, you could say, “you’re really sad about this.”  

The next step is to empathize with the child. I often encourage parents to think of a time they had the same feeling and voice it. For example, your child is sad his friend can’t play. You can say, ”you’re really sad that you can’t play with Sam today.”  “I know when I don’t get to see my friends it makes me sad too.”  

The third step is to offer some comfort or support. A parent might say, “come here and let me give you a hug.”  Helping children identify all their feelings helps them become comfortable sharing feelings with others. Providing empathy about feelings helps a child know they are not alone in their feelings, and comfort or support helps them to feel better and more connected to you. They learn through this process, feelings can be shared, my feelings are important, and while I may have difficult feelings, I have someone who will be with me during difficult times.  

So why is it magic? Let me share a story with you about the benefits of helping your child with emotional regulation. I was working with a dad whose child had been through some very traumatic experiences and was quite often dysregulated and angry. I encouraged the dad to try the steps. He told me, “that’s not going to work!”  We had a session together with the dad and child. The child began to have a fit over something she wanted that she couldn’t have. I said, “you’re really mad you can’t have that cookie right now.”  “I know; I don’t like it when I can’t have what I want either.”  The child stopped the fit and looked at me quietly but still crying.  I said, “I know it is really hard when we don’t get what we want.”  “I bet your dad could help with that.”  How about a hug from dad. The child turned immediately to her father and he gave her a hug.  She looked up into his face and said, “I love you, daddy.”  I’ll never forget dad’s words. He said with a big smile on his face, “it’s magic.”  Well, it’s not really magic, but it does help children learn emotional regulation for a full range of emotions.  It is best done during early childhood and in a relationship with a nurturing caregiver. If your child is struggling to regulate their emotions or you are struggling to help them, don’t wait. Please call us. We love helping parents and children develop strong secure relationships that last a lifetime.

— Carrie Ellis is a LMHC with Spanish River Counseling Center in Boca Raton, Florida. She is a Trust Based Relational Intervention Practitioner, trained to implement Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, and a Circle of Security Facilitator. Carrie works together in team counseling with her husband Matt. They have a special focus on adoptive families. Both are adoption-competent therapists.

Anticipating the Change We Want

How would you finish this sentence? 

Things will change after ____________.

Once life gets back to normal _________, 

I just need to wait until __________. 

These are phrases I often hear. Don’t worry. I’m not going to say that we should never look for or wait for things to change; however, there is an important balance needed in order to preserve gratitude, happiness, and growth.

My husband and I were blessed with 5 children in 5 years and to be honest, it did not always feel like a blessing. My last pregnancy was with twins and they were born at 32 weeks. (Only 10 months younger than our 3rd daughter). We also moved to a new town with no family when the twins were 6 months old. That year was a blur of sleepless nights, pampers, and a lot of fun! Don’t misunderstand; I do NOT want to repeat that year; however, there was beauty in being able to “enjoy” the chaos of 5 young kids as well as anticipate and hope for change – when life would not be full of sleepless nights and diapers.

When we wait for change, it is already happening. We are presently taking part in the change. Our attitudes, beliefs, responses, and emotions all play a role in how we are managing the constant change that is life. If I had waited for my kids to be older to enjoy them, I would have missed out on the joys of watching and participating in the myriad of changes that come with parenting young children. Please know there were days I handled the balance of living in the moment and waiting for change like a pro – true mother of the year. Then there were other days when I failed miserably and felt overwhelmed with my present circumstance. However, holding the balance of present and change can be helpful to persevere during difficult times as well as cherish precious moments.

We all need the hope that comes with anticipating the change we want; however, we must hold hope in the present while we actively live out the process of change. 

What changes are you waiting for, and how does that give you hope? How are you presently living so that you are participating in life as change happens?

— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C.

Parenting Tips: Understanding The 4 C's

Most parents work tirelessly to not only provide for their children but give them the best start possible as they prepare them to pursue a life of purpose and independence. Everything parents do from the beginning influences their children considerably, but not enough to dictate things like their personalities or eventual life goals - much of that they will develop on their own. Parents need to remember that the best thing they can do is provide love, support, safety, and structure, allowing their children to determine the rest. It can be challenging as a parent to relinquish some control or not compare their parenting techniques to others, but these are four guiding principles of parenting that have stood the test of time. 

As a parent, if you ever feel overwhelmed, confused, or doubtful, remember that what your child needs are care, consistency, choices, and consequences. These are the Four C's of parenting, an acronym for you to remember and apply in the best way you see fit. You show care by offering affection and acceptance, consistency through a stable environment, choices through allowing your child to develop autonomy, and consequences by following through with the repercussions you set for your child's choices. 

Parenting is one of the most demanding roles in the world! It is not uncommon for a parent to need extra help with their children. Parenting counseling provides guidance, support, and resources, and it goes way beyond parents but instead includes your child as well. Parenting counseling is an incredible tool to assist parents with their difficulties. From child-related developmental problems to family trauma and general counseling, these tools will assist you in dealing with stress and learn how to apply the "Four C's" of parenting effectively.