Intensity is NOT Intimacy

This was a big life lesson. Many of us trade the intimacy we crave for intensity - which is not always healthy. Intense feelings or intense early chemistry does NOT mean “this is my soulmate”- more often than not, intensity in early dating is a red flag… No, I don’t want you to be bored on a date, but there is a middle, balanced, healthy ground. Healthy long-term relationships are more of a “slow burn” with moments of passion and intensity but are overall characterized by grounded, balanced, peacefulness, and nervous system safety. If you are feeling intense and off-kilter a lot, especially early in dating, it is much more likely you are confusing nervous system dysregulation (“fight or flight”) for sexual arousal/attraction. Learn to tune inward and ask- do I like this person? Does my nervous system feel safe and grounded around them? This can feel “boring” for those of you used to toxic/abusive/unhealthy rollercoaster relationships. But with time and intentional work, you can learn to see “boring” as actually “safe, grounded, and healthy”.

— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.