SPANISH RIVER COUNSELING CENTER BLOGS + VIDEOS
Relationships: Breaking Bad Habits – Part 2
The Gottman’s research has provided counselors with valuable information on how to make relationships work long-term and were able to predict with over 90% accuracy which couples would divorce solely based on how they argued. They identified what they refer to as “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of a Relationship”. These four bad habits are as follows:
Gottman’s research has provided counselors with valuable information on how to make relationships work long-term and was able to predict with over 90% accuracy which couples would divorce solely based on how they argued. They identified what they refer to as “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of a Relationship.” These four bad habits are as follows:
Criticism - We see this problematic behavior more often in women – it is, simply, framing one’s complaints as a defect in the other partner’s personality. The antidote to this behavior is to use a “gentle start-up,” that is, to talk about one’s feelings using I-statements and then express a positive need, rather than blaming the problem on one’s partner.
Defensiveness – This puts a self-protective wall up during the conversation, where one becomes self-righteous and/or plays the victim. Typically, the individual is thinking about their response and how to defend themselves from the perceived or actual attack of the partner, rather than listening and appropriately validating (not necessarily agreeing with) their partner’s complaints. The antidote to this behavior is for each partner to accept responsibility for at least part of the problem.
Contempt – This behavior is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. It consists of statements that convey a sense that the speaker considers themselves superior to their partner. The antidote to this behavior is to build and cultivate a culture between the partners of appreciation and respect.
Stonewalling – This behavior is more typically seen in men and is evidenced by emotional withdrawal from interaction. Basically, behavior that communicates, “I am done with any and all conversation on this matter and disengaging from the relationship.” It is typically related to physiological activation and an unsuccessful attempt to calm things down (unsuccessful in the sense that it does not resolve anything and usually only contributes to heightened tension and frustration in the partner – although eventually can lead to mutual emotional disengagement. The antidote is for the partner to self-soothe in order to stay emotionally connected to their partner and not shut down.
Obviously, this is just an overview and in reality, change in these areas typically takes a good amount of: 1. building awareness of blind spots and 2. purposeful practicing of the healthier alternative. It is, as I tell my clients frequently, choosing to respond rather than reacting.
I want to reiterate that there were two major predictors of divorce/breakup – escalation of negativity (usually involving the Four Horsemen) and emotional disengagement/withdrawal. These are two different dysfunctional patterns of handling conflict in a relationship. One is the more obvious “louder and angry” version, whereas the other is a more quietly destructive process whereby couples tend to divorce emotionally, arranging their lives in parallel and setting themselves up for loneliness. They may insist “everything is fine, we never argue” and state their commitment to one another, but they are in actuality incredibly disconnected and usually quite unhappy.
One last note – the Gottmans point out that the goal of couples counseling is not to help couples avoid arguing, nor is it to help partners avoid hurting one other’s feelings. Instead, the focus should be on helping the couple process the inevitable conflict and resultant “regrettable incidents” - moments of miscommunication or hurt feelings - and to be able to repair the relationship.
— Dr. Shannan Cason
Debunking Relationship Myths - Part 1
Breakups are difficult. Almost all of us have experienced the pain of a relationship not working out. However, these experiences all have value. They teach us what we want and do not want in relationships, including what we do and do not like and behaviors we will and will not tolerate. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have conducted over four decades of research into what makes long term relationships work and included in their extensive research were the following myths:
Breakups are difficult. Almost all of us have experienced the pain of a relationship not working out. However, these experiences all have value. They teach us what we want and do not want in relationships, including what we do and do not like and behaviors we will and will not tolerate. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have conducted over four decades of research into what makes long-term relationships work, and included in their extensive research were the following myths:
Extra-relationship affairs are the major cause of breakups/divorce: FALSE. Although there is no question that affairs are a cause for the breakup and great distress, the Gottmans point to evidence from Gigy & Kelly’s California Divorce Mediation Project, which suggests the major cause of divorce (80% of the time) is that partners become emotionally distant and drift apart. In other words, there is a failure of friendship and emotional intimacy in the relationship (which makes one vulnerable to affairs) – so it is not the affair that ruins the relationship; it is the disintegration of the underlying friendship and emotional intimacy.
Men are hard-wired against monogamy: FALSE. This has been called the “socio-biological theory” and I have personally heard many men and women repeat this basic (faulty) belief that men have a basic biological need to ”sow their oats” amongst many women, whereas women need security with just one partner. As women have entered the workforce in increasingly large numbers and achieved more economic power, philandering has also increased dramatically for women in recent decades. Sociologists now estimate that affair rates for men and women are about equal. The Gottmans further note that the practice of monogamy was historically designed by men, not women, for the purpose of determining paternity to enable the inheritance of property. Basically, if you choose a traditional monogamous relationship, this should be a clearly defined boundary that you both agree to abide by, at the point in the relationship when you both choose to be exclusive and committed. (As I tell my clients, never assume exclusivity during early dating – this needs to be a conversation that is had and clearly agreed upon by both parties. I also encourage my clients to have regular, ongoing conversations about specific boundaries with regard to verbal and physical contact with other humans – never assume anything. “Flirting” and inappropriate behavior may be defined differently for different people.
Improving problem-solving skills will fix a relationship in trouble: FALSE. This was the biggest surprise to me going into this workshop, as conflict resolution skills building is a cornerstone in nearly all couple therapies. However, Gottman’s research found that the majority of conflicts are never resolved, even in happy relationships – they remain perpetual problems that couples either learn to dialogue through in a healthy manner or become gridlocked about. It is the gridlock of perpetual relationship problems that tend to lead to breakup. A Gottman-trained couples’ therapist will focus instead on improving a couple’s ability to dialogue attentively and respectfully - “conflict management,” not “conflict resolution”.
— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.
God Knows About Estrangement
Parents naturally try to closely orchestrate or micro-manage the experiences of their children, hence the term “helicopter parent”. A writer from the New York Times was quoted as saying that presently “all parenting is anxious parenting”. Helicopter parenting has even given way to “lawnmower parenting” – where the parent “mows down” all the obstacles in their child’s life.
In my last blog post, I discussed the phenomenon of adult children becoming disconnected or estranged from their parents. I also noted that this is not an idea that is foreign to God. God knows about estrangement and is often depicted in the Old Testament as a parent who has been rejected by his very own children. I would now like to look at one cause of estrangement and one hopeful solution.
A primary cause of estrangement is “anxious parenting”. There are so many areas for good parents may legitimately be concerned about: drugs, sex, gender identity, kidnappings, terrorism, school shootings, pandemics, bullying, school quality, socialization, moral and character development – as well as challenges to faith in the context of secular culture. All of these concerns may result in parents being protective, intense, and even controlling in the way they parent. Parents naturally try to closely orchestrate or micro-manage the experiences of their children, hence the term “helicopter parent”. A writer from the New York Times was quoted as saying that presently “all parenting is anxious parenting”. Helicopter parenting has even given way to “lawnmower parenting” – where the parent “mows down” all the obstacles in their child’s life. In such a situation the child feels no sense of control and empowerment for themselves. The parent is always telling the child what to do and eventually, the child just wants to get distance from the over intensity of the parent. Note that the intentions of the parent are completely loving and sincere, but the child’s perception can be that they are being smothered. Many children in this generation suffer from an epidemic of anxiety and the anxious parent only makes them feel greater anxiety. That is why some therapists will advise adult children to distance themselves from their parents for the sake of their mental health.
Once again, God has been similarly misperceived. In the Book of Hosea, the prophet speaking for God says, “Though I were to write out for him ten thousand points of My instruction, they would be regarded as something strange” (Hosea 8:12, Holman Bible). Here we see God as a parent trying to direct his children and the response is to regard that direction as “something strange”. Close parenting and the response of estrangement are not far from one another. Fortunately, the Bible also has a very practical solution.
Joshua Coleman, writing in his seminal book, Rules of Estrangement, says the solution to this problem is “Hard, Hard, Hard”. That is because the solution not only requires tremendous humility but in fact humility IS the solution. Often the estranged adult child has not been in contact with their parents for months or years, yet it is the parent (with a therapist’s help) who must extend the olive branch to attempt reconciliation. This situation is indeed unusual and counter-intuitive. The parents are the jilted party and the adult child has made it clear they want no contact with the parent. However, the reality is that the adult child does not want contact with the “parents as they have always perceived them,” – but they may be interested in some gradual contact with parents who will not make them feel anxious and with parents who will see things from and validate the adult child’s perspective. Usually, the adult child has expressed their concerns to the parents and those concerns have previously been dismissed. This is where humility becomes THE solution. If the parent wants a relationship with their adult child, they will have to find some merit or understanding in their adult child’s narrative. This is extremely difficult since, from the parent’s perspective, what the adult child is saying is either completely or partially false. To which the adult child often has an accusatory and negative perception of childhood events that completely baffle the parents whose intentions always have, in their mind, been loving and caring – strange indeed.
Listening and trying to find understanding and a level of agreement with a perceived false narrative is certainly humbling, but how is this Biblical? The Bible teaches us to be “completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). Perhaps surprisingly, it also teaches that we should “keep no record of wrongs” (I Corinthians 13:5), that “in humility” we consider others better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3), and sometimes it is preferable to be wronged (I Corinthians 6:7). The adult child will make claims and have a narrative that may be very difficult to hear. However, parents can listen in all patience and humility – we don’t need to keep a record of wrongs (or set the record straight since we aren’t keeping it), we can consider that their version is better than our own, and finally, we may even agree to suffer wrong (we may need to bear with our adult child). In previous encounters between the parents and the adult child, the parents, being parents, try to correct the narrative and even respond defensively. In the new “humble mode,” – the parent listens patiently and humbly and responds not with correction but with expressions of love.
Josh Coleman says this is Hard, and for Christians, it IS difficult but it should also be familiar territory in our Christian walk.
— Don McCulloch, Ph.D.
What Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew
As adoptive parents, it is easy to feel the joy and love of welcoming home your child who you have longed and waited for so long. It is not so easy to grasp how a child experiences adoption.
We are adoptive parents and relative caregiving parents who have parented children along life’s journey. There are many books that contain valuable information to help parents connect with and parent the adopted child, but here are our favorite, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wished Their Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge.
Sherrie is an adoptee herself. Adopted as an infant, she spent years into adulthood with a variety of behavioral and emotional struggles. She finally found a therapist in mid-life who helped her process her adoption experience. It made all the difference and she began writing books from the adoptee’s perspective. As adoptive parents, it is easy to feel the joy and love of welcoming home your child, who you have longed for and waited for so long. It is not so easy to grasp how a child experiences adoption.
Sherrie offers that perspective from someone who knows because she has lived it. She offers valuable insights that help parents to understand the adoption experience from the adoptee’s perspective. She offers ideas at the end of each chapter you can use to talk about with your child. If you are an adoptive parent or are planning to become one, this book should be at the top of your list to read!
— Book review by Carrie Ellis, L.M.H.C.
God Knows Family Estrangement
Parental estrangement from their adult children is a current phenomenon. A common theme is children who have been raised in fairly typical households move away from home and find it too stressful or troublesome to maintain a relationship with their parents.
It turns out that parental estrangement from their adult children is a current phenomenon. A common theme is children who have been raised in fairly typical households move away from home and find it too stressful or troublesome to maintain a relationship with their parents. Parents work hard to make their children’s lives successful and instill in them a sense of independence – and that independence apparently includes the freedom from ongoing communication with their parents.
A few years back, our good friend’s daughter, a young woman who was raised in a conservative Christian homeschooling family, cut her parents out of her life. A few years ago, she stopped all communication with her mother and moved to another part of the country. The other day her father told me with great sadness in his voice that his daughter decided she would also be stopping all communication with him.
Joshua Coleman, writing in The Atlantic, points out that the causes of estrangement are complex, but many factors that may influence estrangement are divorce, lack of filial and community bonds that were common in past generations, and anxious parenting. Coleman also makes a strong case that parents of young adults simply underestimate and misunderstand the value their own children place on feelings and emotional capital.
The experience of my friends and recent clients with the same struggle, caused me to reflect on whether the Bible had anything to say regarding estrangement. Typically, the story of the prodigal son does not apply. The adult child is not an addict and has not run off to spend the family fortune recklessly. The children who choose estrangement from parents often are doing relatively well, which makes the cut-off all the more painful for parents to comprehend. It is not about waiting for the child to “come to their senses” because that day may never come. For Biblical metaphors, we have to dig a little deeper into the Old Testament. Israel, often referred to as Ephraim, was God’s chosen people, and God clearly viewed them collectively as a parent would a child. Ephraim had already willfully become estranged from God when Jeremiah makes this statement from God, “Is Ephraim my dear son? Is he my darling child? For as often as I speak against him, I do remember him still. Therefore, my heart yearns for him” (Jeremiah 31:20). Note the feelings of God as a parent. He calls his son dear, darling, and yearns for him. This is the heart of the estranged parent. The depiction of God’s estrangement from His own children is heightened in the book of Hosea. Hosea makes this statement for God, “When Israel was a child, I loved him and out of Egypt I called my son. The more they were called, the more they went away…Yet it was I who taught Ephraim how to walk, I took them up by their arms…” (Hosea 11:1,2). This passage has all the markings of parental estrangement. The tender memories of raising the child and, ultimately, the rejection despite repeated attempts to connect.
God knows about estrangement. This new phenomenon is not new to Him. God personally relates to this heart sickness. Take it to Him. Pray for your children and talk honestly to God about your feelings.
Stay tuned. Future blog posts will make suggestions of how I try to help my estranged clients.
— Dr. Don McCulloch, Ph.D., is a Psychology Professor at Palm Beach Atlantic University and a Counselor at Spanish River Counseling Center.
Dialoging as a Couple
Here’s a 10-minute exercise to leave you having the experience of being listened to, affirmed, understood, and an opportunity to have important needs met, without risk of conflict.
Here’s a 10-minute exercise to leave you having the experience of being listened to, affirmed, and understood, and an opportunity to have important needs met, without risk of conflict.
My goal was to create a positive experience for couples to build their intimacy with each other. This exercise takes 10-15 minutes and leaves each person having the experience of being listened to, affirmed, understood, and with an opportunity to have their most important needs met, without the risk of conflict. There are three components.
Component 1 – No dialogue during this component
The couple is seated face to face, knee to knee, and looking into each other’s eyes. One partner offers the other 1-3 affirmations. Try and affirm not just what they do, but who they are. We find what we look for. So, look for the good in your partner between these connecting talks. One shares and the other listens, but NO dialog. Share-listen.
Component 2 – No dialogue during this component
The same partner will share 1-3 things they have missed the mark on since the last meeting. If they believe they have not missed any mark with their partner since the last meeting, they will share 1-3 other things they wrestled with. Perhaps anger about a co-worker, impatience in traffic, fear/anxiety/depression related to an event or person since the last meeting. Again, NO dialog, only sharing. It’s hard not to be drawn to one who demonstrates humility, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence.
Component 3 – Dialogue during this component. You will clarify the need, commit or not, and empower with a “gold nugget” during this component
Lastly, the same partner will ask this question: Is there a need you have of me that would improve our relationship for you. If so, how and why would it benefit you? The ONLY dialogue is now, and it is only to validate that the need is clearly understood and how and why it is important. I suggest starting with a small need that is doable, knowable, and observable. Once both of you are confident that the need is understood, there are three options your partner has regarding your need.
The options are:
Yes, I understand and want to meet your need.
I understand your need; I must say no for now, so I don’t set you up for pain.
I will think, pray and let you know in 24 hours or less.
The foolproof gold nugget of this process is:
If I commit to meeting your need, I want you to remind me in this way _________________________.
If, over time, I realize I have over-committed to being able to meet your need, I will be honest with you.
Now the other partner has his/her turn.
Exercise Summary:
Affirm
Acknowledge/Confess
Ask about meeting a need
Honestly commit to meet needs or not
If you commit to meeting needs, offer them a “gold nugget” to be used, should you forget.
Lastly, I suggest the couple then take a moment to hold each other, and then if time allows, the couple may schedule their week together and set the day and time to repeat this process in the next week. Some weeks there will be no need and that’s ok.
— Dr. Brent Gray, Ph.D., LMFT, LMHC, CAP
Silly Arguments May Mean More Than We Realize
All of us naturally bring into our relationships biases, visual encumbrances, and auditory filters. These stem from the everyday praxis of rules and styles of communication imprinted in our families of origin. These are not endemically good or bad, yet sometimes they are weighted down by rigidity and myopia, or undefined by permissiveness and inconsistency.
In 30 years of meeting with couples, I have often heard the explanation “it was just a silly argument” in explaining why they came in. I believe we fall into these because of our lack of knowledge, the source of our suffering and confusion, according to Holy Scripture. This lack of knowledge saliently refers to not knowing our partner’s mind, but it also belies our own lack of self-awareness.
In fact, all of us naturally bring into our relationships biases, visual encumbrances, and auditory filters. These stem from the everyday praxis of rules and styles of communication imprinted in our families of origin. These are not endemically good or bad, yet sometimes they are weighted down by rigidity and myopia, or undefined by permissiveness and inconsistency. However, one thing is consistent: the ways these are conveyed, and the ways these are perceived, are determined by the family styles that permeate our current language, in the form of non-verbal communication (NVC). This aspect of talking creates more misunderstanding and confusion in our daily dialogue than just about anything that comprises it.
To the point, NVC is based on affectations that comprise any part of communication that is outside of basic verbal information (digital versus emotional). Things such as volume of speech, the temper of attitude, inflection of words or sounds, body language (arm placement, head movement, etc.), rhythm of words, facial gestures, and even body placement (sitting, standing, reclining, etc.), all play a part in this messaging miasma. In fact, it is believed by experts (and in some circles, demonstrated) that NVC makes up over 80% of the actual message that is conveyed and received (whether intended or not). These “accidental” communications may well hold the key to what is really happening inside the speaker. Sometimes, if ignored, they add up to other behaviors that betray deeper issues and can lead to passive-aggressive actions, which can be more destructive.
For instance, I can wake up and say “good morning” to a wonderful, caring, and smart spouse of 38 years, and if my inflection is bright or positive it will come across as encouraging. However, if it is said in a halting or distrustful way, with my arms crossed and eyebrow raised (like Spock), it will more likely be rebuffed with a query (such as “who diddled in your cornflakes this morning?” or “what did I do?”). Then, of course, I would further the “silly argument” by denying any ill feelings, even though I have just given her a double message (my verbal words do not match my NVC). This is called a dichotomy and typically leads to shutting down of communication, deeper frustration on the receiver’s side, or, at the very least, internal emotional confusion (is he upset, or is he just unaware?). The person talking may feel misunderstood, and the person receiving may feel somehow manipulated. Typically, one or both start to realize this is a pointless discussion as we argue over what the hearer assumes the other person is feeling (the fallacy that I can read her mind), and the speaker deflects what is patently obvious to them as being an unintended result they defend (she may say “that is not what I meant”). This is called a circuitous or vicious cycle argument that just creates more ill feelings and fixes nothing. Any hurts that are left in either party tend to pile up over time.
At some point, these pointless arguments feel like they are silly and foolish. Most of us tend to dismiss them (although some will grab hold like a Pitbull and not release, that is a different issue for a different blog ☺) and thus leave the unseen wounds to fester like a burr under a saddle. It is quite unfortunate as these stupid arguments may very well belie a deeper, more insidious problem to address. Am I really listening to my spouse, or do I tend to run tapes in my head (about NVC she is projecting at me) that are based on my family-colored perceptions of what she is actually meaning?
While growing up, for instance, when my mother spoke in a halting voice, or when dad gave me a raised eyebrow, I learned that it meant they were angry at what I was doing. Whereas, in my wife’s family, these NVC’s may have meant that her parents were confused or doubtful about what she was saying. These individual assessments of NVC happen in milliseconds, as if almost reflexive, but can develop while the other person is talking. Either way, my perception can easily be vitiated by assumptions I make when I see or hear NVC that I do not clarify with the speaker what they mean. Do I actually ask, “hey, when I heard your tone change, it seemed you were angry at me? Is that true?” This is a much better response than blurting out, “get off my back; I did not do anything wrong!”. Am I really listening, or do I just dismiss her as being short-sighted in her approach to me? I can easily start to feel like she really does not know me.
Clearly, not feeling known or understood can also feel like being devalued or even unloved if this is a common tendency in communication. We should take notice of this and pursue professional help so these irrational skirmishes do not create deep-seated prejudices against the other person. Of course, we also ought not to over-analyze each little fit of frustration that we all experience from time to time. I am more concerned about daily or even weekly dust-ups that stay unresolved. Even if they feel silly, they may be indicators of deeper past hurts that are creating these sensitized filters that could come from earlier family issues or earlier relational problems that were ignored. Frankly, it is better and easier to apply the Barney Fife therapy model: “Nip it in the bud? Bud nippin’, that’s what we need to do!”.
So, as we look at our silly arguments, instead of only focusing on what was assumed to have been said by the other person, maybe we should take an introspective gander at HOW I perceive what was said. Maybe the problem lies in the combination of my subjective NVC filters and my mindreading of the other person. These revealed NVC personal biases may help us better understand our spouse, and maybe even ourselves. I wonder if that is what our Heavenly Father meant in Ephesians Chapter 4 when He reminds us to be ‘Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry”. He wants us to engage our ears, our mouths, and our minds in a tempered way. We should not let the tapes in our heads keep rolling while the other person is talking (slow to speak) but focus first on clarifying what they actually meant, instead of what we are reading into it. This will help us hear their message better, and not filter it through biases set by our past issues. This refocusing may very well enable us to become more patient and understanding listeners. So, quite possibly, addressing those silly arguments isn’t so silly after all.
— Jeff Bercaw
Positive Emotions Undo Negative Emotions
Have you ever been upset and smiled anyway? When you do this long enough it actually tricks your brain into being happy!
“Not only do happy people endure pain better and take more health and safety precautions when threatened, but positive emotions undo negative emotions.”
~ Martin Seligman, Psychologist
Have you ever been upset and smiled anyway? When you do this long enough, it actually tricks your brain into being happy! Happy emotions can undo negative ones, just like happy thoughts can undo negative thoughts. As we practice being thankful, it also brings joy into our lives, helping us to be more positive and happier. Try it!
— Dr. Norma Shearin, Ph.D., has been in the counseling field since 1999 and easily identifies with her clients as trauma, grief, and loss have all been a part of her past too.
5 Ways Alcohol Fools Your Brain
If you drink alcohol, have you ever noticed how that first drink can make you loosen up a little, and after the second one, you’re practically a stand-up comedian? But… a little while later, your tongue starts getting heavy, you trip over your own feet, and that person across the room you thought might be interested in you is clearly unimpressed. Then the next day you wake up bleary-eyed and thirsty, with a pounding headache. Sounds like fun…NOT!
If you drink alcohol, have you ever noticed how that first drink could make you loosen up a little, and after the second one, you’re practically a stand-up comedian? But… a little while later, your tongue starts getting heavy, you trip over your own feet, and that person across the room you thought might be interested in you is clearly unimpressed. Then the next day, you wake up bleary-eyed and thirsty, with a pounding headache. Sounds like fun…NOT!
How Alcohol Plays Tricks on the Brain and Mind
As soon as you start sipping alcohol, it enters your bloodstream and moves through your organs. And, because it’s in your blood, it can cross the blood-brain barrier and get into your brain cells, where it starts to affect your thoughts, emotions, movements, and sensory functions.
Many people find that having a few drinks helps them to unwind and become more social, which is why after an hour or so of drinking, most people become more animated. It’s not so much that their hidden personalities have emerged, rather, it has much more to do with how alcohol plays tricks on the brain and makes us think differently and do things we might not normally do.
1. You forget your future.
Your prefrontal cortex (PFC) is part of your brain that is your personal CEO. It’s involved with really important things like judgment, insight, empathy, forethought, and impulse control. When you drink, the reason you can’t think clearly is because all of these functions are diminished, which then makes it easier for you to:
Disregard or forget about the consequences of your actions
Say and do stupid things that you’re going to regret
Feel happier, angrier, or more emotional than normal
When your decision-making process is impaired, you’re more likely to ignore the ramifications of your behavior as well as the price you’re going to have to pay down the road for doing things you wish you hadn’t.
2. You feel invincible.
Alcohol tricks your basal ganglia—the brain’s idle—that normally helps you maintain a healthy level of anxiety to prevent you from hurting yourself. When the function of this part of your brain slows down, you’re more likely to throw caution to the wind and engage in riskier and more dangerous behavior that could be potentially harmful, such as doing something that might cause a concussion or other type of injury with potentially long-term consequences.
3. You think you’re a really good dancer.
While you’re out there cutting a rug and having a grand ol’ time, your cerebellum is likely to trip you up—literally. This is the part of the brain involved with coordination and reflexes, but booze makes both of these functions slow down and you’re more likely to lose your balance and stumble. You’ll want to hope no one is recording your smooth moves on the dance floor.
4. You fall in love easily.
The euphoria you experience after a drink or two comes from an initial surge of brain chemicals, like dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins that help you feel happy and good. When you combine this with the loss of inhibition from lower PFC function, you’re less likely to be using your best judgment about a potential partner. Plus alcohol helps you think you’re a stud muffin; however, your performance won’t match your mindset, because alcohol actually slows your sexual response system
5. You had a great time but can’t remember most of it.
Your hippocampus is like a memory bank; it’s where memories are recorded. When you drink, this part of your brain also starts to go offline, and the more alcohol you consume, the less you’ll be able to recall the details of the night. Excessive drinking can even cause almost complete amnesia about the events from the night prior. What is the point of having a fun evening with friends if you’re going to forget what happened?
Alcohol Is Not a Health Food
Although drinking alcohol is part of many cultures around the world, the health consequences of heavy alcohol consumption can be very serious. According to The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, it can lead to:
Heart diseases
Liver diseases
Pancreatitis
Numerous types of cancer
Brain problems—including depression and dementia
Alcohol is essentially toxic to our bodies and brains, and while occasionally imbibing a small amount is not likely to cause harm for most adults (unless they are in recovery or are allergic to it), drinking regularly can definitely take a toll on you.
In addition to the risk of addiction, the more alcohol a person uses, the greater the chance for long-term damage to the brain and body. Despite what some people tout about the benefits of drinking, alcohol is definitely NOT a healthy food. It is absolutely possible to go to parties and social events without imbibing and still have a great time. Being able to stay in full control of your faculties and not having to worry about embarrassing yourself is definitely well worth it.
— Dr. Daniel Amen, Amen Clinics
Hear Me Out!
The main issue with many couples is aligning with their partner. Notice we didn’t say agreeing but aligning. It is possible to align, to be united, and on the same team without agreeing?
“Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2
This past week Tracy and I worked with four couples. The main issue with each couple was aligning with their partner. Notice I didn’t say agreeing but aligning. It is possible to align, to be united, and be on the same team without agreeing. When Tracy asked our last couple, “what was your biggest takeaway from our session” the wife said, “it felt so good when he acknowledged what I said…I felt validated”.
As basic as this might seem, it isn’t as natural as you might think. Our nature is to jump steps, be time-efficient, and dump our reasons on each other. The Bible reminds us that fools rejoice in airing their own opinions. Yes, it is foolish to repeat oneself like a broken record and to see no progress. Let us pay attention to the ways we communicate. If something isn’t working, perhaps we could try a different strategy. It is possible to align, even if we disagree.
— Arturo Paulino and Tracy Paulino are a Certified Life Coach/LMHC team at Spanish River Counseling Center.
What Can a Life Coach Do?
A Coach helps you to act where you may be feeling frozen or stuck. If you are feeling uncertainty, fear, stress, or anxiety, a Coach will help you get reoriented with your goals by helping you take steps to where you want to go.
A Coach helps you to act where you may be feeling frozen or stuck. If you are feeling uncertainty, fear, stress, or anxiety, a Coach will help you get reoriented with your goals by helping you take steps to where you want to go.
Here’s what one of our clients shared about her Life Coach, Laura Super.
“Sharing a deeply personal struggle is so hard, but Laura’s ability to listen, hear my heart, and love me through it has made all the difference. I am so thankful for her ability to bring truth, counseling tools, scripture, personal experience, and grace into my struggle. Her guidance and God-given intuition helped bring me to a healthy plan of restoration. I am thankful for Laura’s patience, insight, and wisdom.”
— Laura Super, Life Coach
Intentional Pause
Feeling stressed, anxious, sad, confused, or angry? If you answered “yes” to any of these, the next minute or two could give you a better perspective by taking an intentional pause as follows:
Close your eyes
Notice your breathing
Feel the weight of your feet on the floor
Feel the weight of your body on the couch
Notice areas of tension or stress in your body
Pay attention to your thoughts
Acknowledge any feelings
Now identify what you would like/need right now, such as peace or insight.
Identify something you want to let go of or get rid of, such as stress or worry. As you inhale, take in more of what you need/want.
As you exhale, let go of or get rid of what you don’t want.
Continue this focused breathing for 30 seconds.
This intentional pause provides a safe opportunity to slow down and allow you to re-center yourself and integrate your mind and emotions instead of being driven solely by reactions.
How can you implement intentional pauses throughout your day in order to gain insight, disengage from intense emotions, and allow for healthy responses instead of quick reactions?
The ability to implement intentional pauses that work for you throughout the day will assist you in gaining better control of your thought and emotions. Music, exercise, and prayer are tools that can assist you in taking an intentional pause.
Life is full of pauses such as interruptions, stop-lights, children, changes, vacations, emergencies, intrusive thoughts, stress, and panic. However, we have the ability to take an intentional pause so that we can reclaim our health, our purpose, our patience, our focus, and our gratitude for what is happening in life and throughout our day.
What would an intentional pause look like in your life, and how would you benefit from it?
— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C.
The “Magic” of Emotional Regulation for Children
Children having a tantrum are the best example of a lack of emotional regulation. Children learn emotional regulation in relationship with a nurturing, attentive caregiver who helps them identify and verbalize their emotions and then provides empathy and connection.
Parents often ask me how to help a child with emotional regulation. Here are three simple steps.
First, help the child identify with the emotion they are experiencing. For example, when your child is sad, you could say, “you’re really sad about this.”
The next step is to empathize with the child. I often encourage parents to think of a time they had the same feeling and voice it. For example, your child is sad his friend can’t play. You can say, ”you’re really sad that you can’t play with Sam today.” “I know when I don’t get to see my friends it makes me sad too.”
The third step is to offer some comfort or support. A parent might say, “come here and let me give you a hug.” Helping children identify all their feelings helps them become comfortable sharing feelings with others. Providing empathy about feelings helps a child know they are not alone in their feelings, and comfort or support helps them to feel better and more connected to you. They learn through this process, feelings can be shared, my feelings are important, and while I may have difficult feelings, I have someone who will be with me during difficult times.
So why is it magic? Let me share a story with you about the benefits of helping your child with emotional regulation. I was working with a dad whose child had been through some very traumatic experiences and was quite often dysregulated and angry. I encouraged the dad to try the steps. He told me, “that’s not going to work!” We had a session together with the dad and child. The child began to have a fit over something she wanted that she couldn’t have. I said, “you’re really mad you can’t have that cookie right now.” “I know; I don’t like it when I can’t have what I want either.” The child stopped the fit and looked at me quietly but still crying. I said, “I know it is really hard when we don’t get what we want.” “I bet your dad could help with that.” How about a hug from dad. The child turned immediately to her father and he gave her a hug. She looked up into his face and said, “I love you, daddy.” I’ll never forget dad’s words. He said with a big smile on his face, “it’s magic.” Well, it’s not really magic, but it does help children learn emotional regulation for a full range of emotions. It is best done during early childhood and in a relationship with a nurturing caregiver. If your child is struggling to regulate their emotions or you are struggling to help them, don’t wait. Please call us. We love helping parents and children develop strong secure relationships that last a lifetime.
— Carrie Ellis is a LMHC with Spanish River Counseling Center in Boca Raton, Florida. She is a Trust Based Relational Intervention Practitioner, trained to implement Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, and a Circle of Security Facilitator. Carrie works together in team counseling with her husband Matt. They have a special focus on adoptive families. Both are adoption-competent therapists.
How a Flexible Mindset Helps Us Respond to Challenges in Healthy Ways
Taking a pause, and asking ourselves questions allows us to take time to look at the big picture: Is there another way to look at this? How am I interpreting the situation? Should I get someone else’s perspective?
As a child, I was never very flexible; touching my toes seemed almost impossible. I envied my friends, who could naturally bend in all sorts of configurations. However, I learned with some regular stretches; I could loosen up and touch my toes. Now, as I have aged, I realize the importance of remaining flexible; it stretches the muscles and keeps them from becoming stiff.
Developing a flexible mindset, in such ever-changing times requires a similar approach, regularly exercising new ways to adapt to stressful events and unplanned circumstances. When we have a fixed mindset, we might believe we don’t have the ability or the skills to deal with the problem.
When this happens, we often lose the ability to look at the big picture and respond in a logical or creative way. To help us develop a flexible mindset that responds, as opposed to a fixed mindset that reacts, we first need to hit the pause button.
Taking a pause is crucial for parents. A flexible mindset can make a difference in how we respond to the ever-changing challenges we face in raising our children. For example, if your child is starting to struggle in school, or perhaps begins to argue with limits set, taking a pause to think through what may be motivating the problem or behavior can give you a better perspective on how to respond. Are they struggling with frustration or fear? Do they understand what is expected of them? Are they getting enough sleep?
Hitting the pause button gives us time to figure out how to handle our emotions and mentally prepare how to handle each circumstance. Just as stretching and pausing take time for the muscles to respond, so will learning to actually hit the pause button and find flexible ways to respond to stressful, difficult, and ever-changing situations.
— Laura Super, Life Coach
How to Get the Most Out of Therapy Sessions
Write out specific goals. What would you like to get out of your sessions? Some individuals prefer to talk and express feelings and have their therapist listen, validate and provide support. Others may prefer more structure to their therapy session, including feedback, and exercises in and out of the sessions. Which way describes your preferences?
Come in with an open mind and ready for personal accountability. Therapy is not just about talking/venting about your problems, but (when you are ready), finding and implementing workable solutions where possible. It is also about doing some honest soul-searching and making an honest assessment of how your own personal shortcomings may be contributing to your current problems. Therapy can also help simply by changing your perspective. Your circumstances may not change, but you are changing and that can make all the difference.
Take notes. Research on human memory shows that we forget the majority of information learned after 24 hours.
Do your homework. You will get out of it what you put into it. Therapists can give you recommendations and teach you skills, but only you can implement them. The real work of therapy takes place outside of your therapy sessions. We don’t give you homework to keep you busy; it is to help you think about your problems in a different way, to help you learn and implement new skills necessary for real and lasting change.
Journal. Many clients report significant benefits from tracking their thoughts, feelings, and experiences following therapy sessions. Over time you may start to see patterns and progress, which can be useful to both you and your therapist. You can share it if you are comfortable, or it can just be for you.
Be honest with your therapist. If you are confused, angry, hurt, or otherwise disagree with something your therapist has said, please let him/her know. Please don’t just drop out of therapy. Often, speaking up about something that triggered you emotionally in session can bring about the most significant breakthroughs. Therapy is designed to be a safe place to explore uncomfortable negative emotions.
Pray/Meditate. Spiritual disciplines can be helpful as a form of mindfulness and self-reflection beyond journaling. It is also a great tool for those wishing to grow their connection and relationship with God and those seeking spiritual guidance for their inner healing work.
— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.
Anticipating the Change We Want
How would you finish this sentence?
Things will change after ____________.
Once life gets back to normal _________,
I just need to wait until __________.
These are phrases I often hear. Don’t worry. I’m not going to say that we should never look for or wait for things to change; however, there is an important balance needed in order to preserve gratitude, happiness, and growth.
My husband and I were blessed with 5 children in 5 years and to be honest, it did not always feel like a blessing. My last pregnancy was with twins and they were born at 32 weeks. (Only 10 months younger than our 3rd daughter). We also moved to a new town with no family when the twins were 6 months old. That year was a blur of sleepless nights, pampers, and a lot of fun! Don’t misunderstand; I do NOT want to repeat that year; however, there was beauty in being able to “enjoy” the chaos of 5 young kids as well as anticipate and hope for change – when life would not be full of sleepless nights and diapers.
When we wait for change, it is already happening. We are presently taking part in the change. Our attitudes, beliefs, responses, and emotions all play a role in how we are managing the constant change that is life. If I had waited for my kids to be older to enjoy them, I would have missed out on the joys of watching and participating in the myriad of changes that come with parenting young children. Please know there were days I handled the balance of living in the moment and waiting for change like a pro – true mother of the year. Then there were other days when I failed miserably and felt overwhelmed with my present circumstance. However, holding the balance of present and change can be helpful to persevere during difficult times as well as cherish precious moments.
We all need the hope that comes with anticipating the change we want; however, we must hold hope in the present while we actively live out the process of change.
What changes are you waiting for, and how does that give you hope? How are you presently living so that you are participating in life as change happens?
— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C.
Anxious Thoughts
Are your anxious thoughts robbing your peace of mind?
Most anxious and depressive thoughts are literally toxic to our brains, bodies, and relationships. Try this easy and effective exercise next time you feel anxious…
A cascade of bio-chemicals gets released into our systems and we are stuck with the thoughts! When the thought occurs, find a safe, quiet place and visualize a big red STOP sign in your mind mentally and/or say out loud, “stop it. Dwelling on this is poison to my mind and body.”
Visualize three doors. Each door is a different way you can choose to deal with this provoking thought. Choose one. Do it now or later. If the thought comes back, visualize the STOP sign and begin again.
Here’s an example:
Anxious thought: “I will never catch up at work. I’m so far behind. I am overwhelmed.”
STOP sign up: (The toxic thought won’t change reality anyway)
Three Doors of possible solutions
Door 1 - I need to just call a friend and download
Door 2 - I can ask for help at work
Door 3 - I can let my boss know I want to be productive and would like to review priorities and my job description to make sure needs and timelines are clarified so that we are on the same page.
Choose your door. Your anxiety will be relieved and your mind and body will be at ease!
— Dr. Brent Gray, Ph.D., L.M.H.C.
What is a SPECT Scan?
SPECT stands for, single-photon emission computerized tomography, and this scan lets your doctor analyze the function of some of your internal organs. A SPECT scan is a type of nuclear imaging test, which means it uses a radioactive substance and a special camera to create 3-D pictures.
While imaging tests such as X-rays can show what the structures inside your body look like, a SPECT scan produces images that show how your organs work. For instance, a SPECT scan can show how blood flows to your heart or what areas of your brain are more active or less active.
Why is it important?
The most common uses of SPECT are to help diagnose or monitor brain disorders, heart problems, and bone disorders.
Brain disorders
SPECT can be helpful in determining which parts of the brain are being affected by:
Dementia
Clogged blood vessels
Seizures
Epilepsy
Head injuries
Heart problems
Because the radioactive tracer highlights areas of blood flow, SPECT can check for:
Clogged coronary arteries
If the arteries that feed the heart muscle become narrowed or clogged, the portions of the heart muscle served by these arteries can become damaged or even die.
Reduced pumping efficiency
SPECT can show how completely your heart chambers empty during contractions.
Bone disorders
Areas of bone healing or cancer progression usually light up on SPECT scans, so this type of test is being used more frequently to help diagnose hidden bone fractures. SPECT scans can also diagnose and track the progression of cancer that has spread to the bones.
Parenting Tips: Understanding The 4 C's
Most parents work tirelessly to not only provide for their children but give them the best start possible as they prepare them to pursue a life of purpose and independence.
Most parents work tirelessly to not only provide for their children but give them the best start possible as they prepare them to pursue a life of purpose and independence. Everything parents do from the beginning influences their children considerably, but not enough to dictate things like their personalities or eventual life goals - much of that they will develop on their own. Parents need to remember that the best thing they can do is provide love, support, safety, and structure, allowing their children to determine the rest. It can be challenging as a parent to relinquish some control or not compare their parenting techniques to others, but these are four guiding principles of parenting that have stood the test of time.
As a parent, if you ever feel overwhelmed, confused, or doubtful, remember that what your child needs are care, consistency, choices, and consequences. These are the Four C's of parenting, an acronym for you to remember and apply in the best way you see fit. You show care by offering affection and acceptance, consistency through a stable environment, choices through allowing your child to develop autonomy, and consequences by following through with the repercussions you set for your child's choices.
Parenting is one of the most demanding roles in the world! It is not uncommon for a parent to need extra help with their children. Parenting counseling provides guidance, support, and resources, and it goes way beyond parents but instead includes your child as well. Parenting counseling is an incredible tool to assist parents with their difficulties. From child-related developmental problems to family trauma and general counseling, these tools will assist you in dealing with stress and learn how to apply the "Four C's" of parenting effectively.
Good Sleep: Essential to Mental Health
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in three adult Americans gets less than seven hours of sleep per night. While some people can function well with less, most of us need at least seven hours for optimal physical, mental, and emotional well-being
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in three adult Americans gets less than seven hours of sleep per night. While some people can function well with less, most of us, need at least seven hours for optimal physical, mental, and emotional well-being. In addition to many physical problems that can arise from lack of sleep, depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues can increase with sleep deprivation. If you think you might be sleep-deprived, improving your sleep hygiene might help. The term sleep hygiene refers to the habits that promote good sleep.
The 10,3,2,1 Rule
One guide for getting better sleep is the “10,3,2,1 Rule”:
10 hours before bed: stop drinking caffeine. The half-life of caffeine (the time it takes for your body to metabolize half of the caffeine you consume) is about six hours, so most of the caffeine is gone in 10 hours.
3 hours before bed: no more food or alcohol. Your body wants to slow down naturally by bedtime, so it’s best if you aren’t still actively digesting food while trying to sleep. Alcohol can make you sleepy, but it can also disrupt sleep.
2 hours before bed: no more work. You know that work can be stressful and mentally taxing. Giving yourself at least two hours before bed can help your brain relax.
1 hour before bed: no more screen time. Computer screens emit blue-shifted light, which mimics sunlight. When you stare at this kind of light in the evening, it can affect your circadian rhythms, throwing off the timing of your sleep/wake cycle. It’s best to not use computer screens in the evening, but if you do, most computers and devices have a setting that changes the nighttime screen tint from blue to yellow.
Sleep Environment
Your sleeping environment is also a key component of quality sleep. A room that is under 70 degrees is typically ideal. Even if the ambient room temperature is cool, it might still be too warm in the microclimate that is the space between your body and the covers. There are products available that cool this microclimate in various ways. Of course, a comfortable but supportive mattress and pillow are also key. A dark room also helps. Even a little light can interrupt sound sleep. Speaking of sound, many people benefit from white noise in their bedrooms. This can be the sound of an air conditioner or fan, or you could try a white noise app.
Healthy Habits for Sleep
Going to sleep and waking up at the same time every day also helps your body know when it’s time to start powering down at night. Exercise obviously has many health benefits, and sleep is one of them, as long as you avoid exercise right before bed. You can also talk to your doctor about diet and supplements that can improve sleep. Counseling, such as cognitive behavioral therapy for sleep has also been shown in studies to help people get more and better-quality sleep.
About the Author
I love to walk alongside people to help them build a bridge from their current challenge to a hopeful future. I combine my graduate study in theology with evidence-based therapeutic practices to encourage and equip clients to glean new skills that can benefit them for the rest of their lives.