Conflict

We need to realize that when two people or more are together, there will be some kind of disagreement or conflict at some point or another. Therefore, talking about it before it happens or as you sense it happening would be a good method to come to an agreement on how to handle it. Being open and honest about the way that conflict will be handled can give the person an expectation and sets a tone on how to deal with disagreements.

The scripture that comes to my mind is Proverbs 15:1, which reads, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (NIV). We can always approach each other with a kind gentle word to make sure that things remain calm and remind ourselves that as disagreements happen, we can still be cordial as we talk about them.

— Dr. Norma Shearin, PhD, LMHC

“But” and It’s Implied Meaning

“But” is a word most of us get into the habit of using quite often when engaging in dialogue. It sort of slips out as a way to link two separate phrases or defend our own beliefs or opinions. For example, “You know I love you, but…” or “I want to go to the gym, but…” or “You did a great job, but…” Well, you get the idea. What happens when you read these examples? Our response becomes emotional and we rationally ignore everything that was uttered before “but” and focus on the words that follow. From a grammatical perspective, “but” is a conjunction used specifically to imply contrast when the second idea or statement is different from the first, negating the first statement as if it is not true. The phrase attached after “but” is the defining, last impression, the one that sticks. 

Somehow along the way, we adapted its usage and applied “but” as we would the word “and”. We use it to add rhythm and flow to verbal sentence structure. And, let’s face it, we use it to interrupt someone else who’s speaking. “But” signals “I have something to say that matters more than what you’re saying.” It evokes judgment, condemnation, and an elevated sense of self. Think of a small child who whines, “But I don’t want to!” “But” can push our buttons and provoke us to feel negativity. Think this may seem like a bit of a stretch? Consider how this one little word and the attitude that goes with it is ingrained in our culture. It’s become common.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with using “but”, as long as there is an awareness of how it influences other people’s thinking. That means using it when it becomes important to acknowledge something negative while emphasizing a positive alternative. For example, “This test didn’t show your best effort, ‘but’ I know you’ll do better next time” or “This sets us back a bit, ‘but’ we’ve gotten through it before and we’ll do it again.”

The reason for highlighting the use of “but” is to motivate us to hit the pause button, replace it with the word “and”, or add a period and make 2 distinct sentences. Doing so gives equality and validity to both opposing phrases.

Habits are hard to change, and we can do it. “But” may be part of your daily vocabulary, and it doesn’t have to remain active. (Did you catch those statements as examples?) Many department heads or managers erode the potential benefits of motivating speeches by using “but”.  Parents lose their children’s attention or interest by contradicting themselves. And, spouses create doubt about love with careless uses of “but”. Several years ago, I attended a seminar on this very subject. Every time someone said “but” we were encouraged to jump out of our seats, point our fingers, and scream, “You said but!” Not exactly the nicest way to break a habit, “BUT” it is effective. 

Now that “but” has been given the spotlight, you won’t be able to unhear it when used around you. You’ll notice also how frequently it enters conversation and presentations. It may be to you like nails on a chalkboard, something irritating. You may even catch yourself internally chanting “He said but. She said but”. Try making a change and see how others respond. 

— Jill Dagistino, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

Designing your Child’s Relationship Blueprint

We are created by God to be in a relationship with both Him and the others He places in our lives. Our lives are a network of relationships with others near and far away. God designed into each and every person a process through our neural networks that are the blueprint for relationships and that program is strengthened and developed in early childhood through our experiences in relationships with our caregivers. The program that is written into our neural networks for relationships generally remains the blueprint for all our future relationships throughout life, with some exceptions.

So, what do you want your child’s relational blueprint to look like? Children decide about relationships in early childhood based on their experiences in relationships. Since parents are generally a child’s first relationship and since our relationship blueprint generally remains in place throughout our lives, it is an important time to spend writing into their hearts a balance of nurture and structure. Here are a few tips to get you started:

• Spend 5 minutes a day in uninterrupted play with your child in their world. Let them pull out a few of their favorite toys and play along. Get into it and enjoy your time.

• Watch what they do that is appropriate and follow along.

• Sprinkle in a few compliments of things they are doing well. For example, “I love how you use your imagination to build awesome towers.” Be sure to also compliment them on all the ways they use their manners, share, sit quietly, and play gently.

• Don’t ask a lot of questions or try to direct their play. Rather listen for them to speak and then repeat what they say. Questions generally shut down conversations but listening and repeating or paraphrasing back to a child increases communication, and their vocabulary and speech generally improve as an added benefit.

• Notice what they are doing with their hands and give words to their actions.  For example, “I see you are putting the egg in the pan.” “You are cooking on the stove and now you are putting the food on the plate” for a child who is engaged in play cooking.  It may seem like you are stating the obvious but there is great power in “noticing.” It sends a powerful message to your child, “I am seen by my caregiver.”  What do we watch as humans? That which we care about, value, and are interested in. When you notice your child and what they do with the verbal description, you say, “I care about you,” I am interested in what you are doing,” or “you are worth watching.” These are powerful messages each human longs to experience with their caregiver.

So, give it a try! Spend a few minutes a day engaged in one on one play with your child. Put into practice these few skills and see what happens. Each of these skills is specifically designed to build and enhance relationships. If you find it difficult to get started or there are obstacles blocking you, give us a call. We routinely work with parents and children to build stronger, healthier relationships. We’d love to help you too.

— Carrie C. Ellis, LMHC

Contemporary Christian Marriage: Part Two

Marriages face at least three major challenges—the devaluation of marriage in society, misunderstanding about basic emotions and the fall of mankind, and lack of knowledge about basic building blocks of biblical marriage

Building Block 4: Avoid Temptation

Reversing the curse on marriage means not only leading and inviting your wife to marriage transformation and showing unconditional love, but it also requires balance by avoiding pornography and sexual imbalance. The task of avoidance can best be accomplished by adhering to the following corrective principles.

Corrective Principle #1: Avoid Behavior to Which There is No End

A common theme among men who struggle with sexual balance is an obsession with behavior that is seemingly unending. The pursuit of sexual pleasure in and of itself is an endless and ultimately deadening toil.

Practical Suggestions

Don’t click on any internet sites that involve sexual content (even if it is written content), because it will never end. Endless pursuit of sexual pleasure is no filler for a real encounter with the eternal God.

Corrective Principle #2: Fast from Sexual Stimulation

Sexual fasting involves refraining from sex, but it also has a specific purpose; to re-set your sexual thermostat and devote time to praying to God.

Practical Suggestions

Sexuality can be drab and routine if the purpose of sexuality is only a release valve. For that reason, and others, there are times to abstain from sex (and not seek sexual stimulation elsewhere). During that time, you can pray that your desire for your wife’s body will properly increase.

Corrective Principle #3: Reverse the Curse on Your Sex Life

In reversing the curse, behavior prior to the fall of man is instructive. In fact, the verse right before the fall of man, which is Genesis 2:25 says, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

Practical Suggestion

Let your wife’s body, unadorned as Eve’s before the fall, become your focus. Spend time naked in each other’s presence.

Transformative Principle #1: Keep Intimacy Simple and Sacred (K.I.S.S.)

This is not dull sexuality, but it is productive sexuality. A simple approach to sexuality often produces intense pleasure because it is not about the peripherals—it is about enjoying each other’s bodies.

Transformative Principle #2: Don’t Be So Selfish

Not approaching your wife and inviting her to engage in sexual intimacy is a common way of being selfish. Don’t let the initiation of sexual intimacy rest on her shoulders.

Transformative Principle #3: Be the Prophet, Priest, and King of Your Sex Life

A good prophet speaks the word of God. The priest seeks the holiness of his wife. The king, as the spiritual leader of the home, is the one who is the arbiter of loveliness.

Question for thought: Do you think our sexual intimacy is simple and sacred?

Building Block 5: Nurture Significance

Many people who struggle with individual problems also struggle with their sense of self. More accurately, they feel that God is not pleased with them; as a result, they tell themselves many negative untruths. This negative self-talk in turn leads to ungodly and unhappy behaviors which create negative patterns. Negative thoughts and behavior patterns then form the basis for all kinds of life problems and mental disturbances. The solution is simple and biblical.

Christ is the Answer

Christ is the solution to our self-esteem problems. Learning who we are in Christ is the key to our mental health. Realistically we are sinners. Yet, if we are believers, we are no longer under Christ’s wrath and judgment. 

The Self Esteem of Your Spouse Matters

A Christian marriage starts with the premise that Christ is the center of married life. However, over the course of time, it is not uncommon for a spouse to struggle with self-esteem issues. The marriage relationship can be the means God uses to help spouses resolve self-esteem issues.

Help Your Wife Find True Significance

Liberating your wife from the oppression of the perfect tyrant is certainly mission number one. A husband may not realize he has an important role to play in rescuing his wife from her own lies.

Assignment for Transformed Significance

Look up the following verses: Ephesians 1:7 and 2:5, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Jeremiah 31:3, and Romans 8:1, 17, and 37. What do these verses say about who we are in Christ? Discuss these findings with your spouse or write him or her a letter that lists what the Bible says about who he or she is in Christ.

Question for thought: What kind of thoughts do you speak to yourself, or does your spouse say, that reinforces the above feelings of insignificance?

Building Block 6: Deal with Anger and Depression

In terms of emotional health, God wants to redeem two particular emotions, depression and anger. The complicating factor of marriage is that more often than not, those two emotions are directed toward our spouse. Unfortunately, these emotions are often denied by some Christians, while for others, these emotions are seen as relationship failures.

Dealing with Anger

Anger and even depression get associated with sinful behavior so we tend to deny their existence. When Christians talk about these emotions, they tend to give simplistic solutions, not dealing with the fact that these emotions can have deep roots.

Dealing with Depression

Depression, because it is emotional, is often regulated to the realm of the mysterious, the superstitious, and the vaguely sinful. Medical problems and depression are things that ultimately only God can heal. All of our hard work comes to naught if God doesn’t choose to heal.

Depression versus the Weight of Sin

Some people struggle with forgiving themselves. Of course, it is God who heals and it is God who forgives, so these people need to be encouraged to stop trying to forgive themselves and see themselves as God sees them, as His beloved and precious children.

Here are some things to consider:

1. Everybody gets depressed at some point. Depression is a common problem and, in most cases, it is a passing experience

   • Not all depressions are the same and that is what makes it so confusing.

   • Bipolar depression is characterized by periods of mania (excessive activity, high energy, euphoria, or an unrealistic mood) so at times these sufferers are the opposite of depressed.

   • Major depression is characterized by negative moods and a lack of pleasure from experiences that used to be pleasurable.

   • Mild depression and chronic low-level depression are often harder to diagnose and treat. Counseling can help and medication should not be the first avenue of intervention.

   • Postpartum depression hits a new mother suddenly. Some medical conditions in men can also produce sudden depression.

   • Finally, when people face losses, they experience a type of depression known as grief.

2. From all of the above, it should be clear that one solution does not fit all. It’s complicated.

3. If you are suffering from depression, it is important to realize that getting your spouse to change will not make you feel better.

4. Lastly, keep in your mind that all depression goes in cycles, like much of God’s created world. Depression is often our body’s way of forcing us to slow down and learn about ourselves.

Question for thought: Do I come across as someone who angers easily?

— Don McCulloch, Ph.D.

Excerpts from Perfect Circle: A Husband’s Guide to the Six Tasks of a Contemporary Christian Marriage

Thoughtful Moment: Playing with Fire

“Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” Proverbs 6:27 NIV

One of my favorite quotes this year is, “if you don’t want temptation to follow you, don’t act as if you’re interested.”

There are many things that could “burn” us, so why play with fire? The Bible reminds us one cannot scoop fire into our lap without getting burned… simple truth. 

Let us be aware of the fires that we might be playing with and make a conscious effort to create some distance. The sooner the better. Let us prevent something while it is still preventable. 

— Arturo Paulino, Life Coach

Walking on Eggshells

‘Walking on eggshells,’ ‘on thin ice,’ ‘overly cautious’, and ‘beating around the bush’ are a few expressions used when clients share about the difficulty of relationships. What does it really mean? Are we afraid to be ourselves, and be honest? Are we afraid of the reaction we will get, such as rage, defensiveness, blame, or criticism? Are we following unspoken rules, such as topics that are off-limits, issues that are unsolvable, or memories too painful to discuss? I can almost hear someone saying, “Yes – ALL of that!”

It would be great (and unrealistic) to say that we just need to speak our minds, and all will be ok. That is an option for sure and sometimes it will work out. However, that can be pretty risky. There are techniques and skills that can help us communicate more effectively and in a way that brings about connection and understanding. Notice I did not say agreement or approval, but connection and understanding, which can be more powerful than simply agreeing. Especially since some of us use agreeing as a strategy to “walk on eggshells.”

The first step would be to spend time understanding the function or purpose that ‘walking on eggshells’ provides you. You guessed it; the first step is increased self-awareness. What are you trying to avoid or not break, and is this method effective?  Is it healthy or costing you something that is beginning to break you?  Spend some time in reflection through prayer, journaling, talking to someone you trust, or seeking counseling in order to understand better the ‘why’ or purpose of ‘walking on eggshells’ and how this is impacting you.  

Awareness and understanding are not the ends, but rather the beginning. How can you begin to utilize your awareness and understanding in order to build and work for the relationship that you want (and this implies you know the qualities of the relationship you want)? Skills such as active listening, soft start-ups, validating statements, using ‘I’ statements, and taking breaks to self-soothe are all helpful skills to facilitate healthy communication.

Unless you are playing a game in youth group or at a party, ‘walking on eggshells’ is not fun, but will continue to take an emotional toll. There is help to get onto solid ground for yourself and in your relationships. Take the first step in understanding yourself better.

— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C. – Spanish River Counseling Center

Contemporary Christian Marriage: Part One

Marriages face at least three major challenges—the devaluation of marriage in society, misunderstanding about basic emotions and the fall of mankind, and lack of knowledge about basic building blocks of biblical marriage.

Building Block 1: Invite your wife to the Marriage of Her Dreams

It does not have to be complicated. It could be little things: Would you like to go to church on Sunday? How about we go out for coffee and just talk about whatever you want to talk about?

• Date Night

Despite rejection, God continues to pursue His beloved because He is a covenant-keeping God. A Christian husband should demonstrate, in like manner, the same kind of zealous pursuit of his beloved in the covenant of marriage.

1. Invite your wife.

Banish selfishness and think of her interests first. Find out what your wife would like to do this weekend, and invite her to do that activity with you. This will be a switch. 

2. Know your wife’s interests and act on them.

If your wife’s dream is to go on a trip to a foreign country, surprise her with tickets, or just invite her to go and do the planning together. If you do not really know your wife’s dreams, or if she cannot put them into words, invite her to a brainstorming session where she lists on paper what a dream marriage would look like.

3. Take the first step.

As husbands, we need to live by faith and trust God for transformation. This means that if initiation is unchartered territory, like Abraham leaving Ur for the desert, husbands need to take that first step in faith. 

Question for thought: Would inviting your wife to what she wants put your relationship in a better place?

Building Block 2: Show Love

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy.” Consequently, husbands need to wake up from their slumber and become pro-active, and exhibit behaviors that demonstrate love.

• Hard Work Does Not Equal Love

Many husbands assume that enough material provision eliminates the need to contribute in other ways to their marriage.

• Love Is Not Reciprocal

Expectations run very high when couples get married. This is normal. However, if expectations do not adjust to a realistic level, unhappiness will prevail. Marriage is not a ticket to having all our needs met. 

• Love is Not Sentimentalism

Sentimentalism is the demand for constant “feelings of love”. This demand is simply unrealistic. Feelings will come and go in any marriage. Often there will be negative emotions, but love is not sentimentalism. 

• Love Has an Object

God chooses us as His people, not because we are good or worthy, but because He is a loving king. It is the same for earthly husbands. He loves his wife because he chooses to love.

• Love Is Spiritual

Spiritual love is about modeling God’s love and then responding to God’s love by loving our wife. Spiritual love is not about her, spiritual love is about God.

• Love Is Related to Gender

Not all women are lovers seeking romance, and not all men are lugs who have to be commanded to love their wives. Ultimately, men and women tend to approach love differently. 

• Love Is Symbolic

This is perhaps the most transformative statement made about love. Women tend to see certain behaviors and attitudes as symbolic. This concept is a hard one for men to wrap their heads around. 

Question for thought: Ask your wife if she thinks you are active or passive in bestowing love.

Building Block 3: Lead your Wife

So how should a Christian man define himself? The biblical answer is that a man is to be “like Christ.” Christ is our model in terms of spiritual life and practice, emotional health, and even in terms of what it means to be male.

• Promise Keepers

The Promise Keeper model views a man as a servant leader. This model is supported by biblical examples of Christ’s sacrifices for His beloved bride, the church.

• The Warrior Model

The warrior image, like the servant image, is not all there is to the picture God gives us in the Bible. Life takes on new meaning when men realize they have some exciting roles to fulfill by faith in marriage.

• Our View of God

A person’s view of man tends to follow his or her view of God. A man who views God as loving and forgiving will treat his family likewise. A correct view of God should get us closer to how a man should live.

• Prophet, Priest, and King

The roles of prophet, priest, and king have spiritual nature, so they can only be accomplished by faith. We have to trust fully in our Heavenly Father in order to fulfill these roles.

Practical Suggestions

1. Have a regular time of Bible reading.

2. Have a consistent time when you pray for yourself, your marriage, and your children.

3. Get your family to church.

Question for thought: Which marriage model is new to your mind and how would you assess it?

1. The modern “sensitive” male—the pacifist type.

2. The servant leader with an emphasis on serving both in the church and in the home.

3. The “wild-man” theory—the slightly dangerous male.

4. The prophet, priest, and king model.

— Don McCulloch, Ph.D.

Excerpts from Perfect Circle: A Husband’s Guide to the Six Tasks of a Contemporary Christian Marriage

Grit - Part II: Warning Label

Grit is an important character-building trait to develop. However, it does have a warning label that needs to be shared.  To recap, grit means ‘courage and resolve, the strength of character’ and is the principal ingredient in pushing through adversity.  Why does it need a warning label?

Trauma, abuse, mental health issues such as suicidal thoughts, extreme dysfunction, and emotionally immature parents are a few reasons we need to take Grit within context.  Working through trauma will take grit, but, the work needs to be done in a safe and healthy environment. Working through trauma by suppressing, ignoring, hiding, or working through it by yourself is not grit but dangerous. Human beings are wired and created to live within community and interdependence. Grit may take the shape of asking for help, taking a step towards vulnerability, or setting up limits/boundaries in order to stay safe. Many of us believe, whether we want to admit it or not, that grit equals strength and reaching out equals weakness. Although we may give advice to others that sharing is not a weakness, we cannot seem to do it ourselves because of long-held beliefs or fears. The challenge is to acknowledge that thought and open ourselves up to including more thoughts such as, I can also show courage by sharing and being vulnerable. If you are unsure if grit is appropriate in your situation, seek out wise counsel. If you do not have someone to ask, call us so that we can help you walk through the situation together.  Some great questions to ask yourself are, “Would I give that advice to someone else?” “Is this an area that I usually struggle to make good decisions?” “Is fear keeping me from seeking help?” “Do I think or feel like I need to do this all on my own?”

Grit is an amazing trait as long as we use it wisely and follow the warning label. This is why we are meant to live and function in community because sometimes we do not pay attention to the warning signs, or perhaps we have never learned the warning signs.  There are resources to help everyone get the help they need - no one needs to Grit through their circumstances in silence or isolation. We are here.

— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C.

Your Mind Can Be a Troublemaker

Your mind can be a troublemaker. Mine often is. Thoughts and feelings come from many sources, such as:

How your brain is working at any given moment (which is influenced by your diet, gut health, immunity, inflammation, exposure to toxins, and sleep).

• Experiences from your ancestors that have been written in your genetic code

• Genetic tendencies. For example, my oldest daughter was shy when she was very young and would often hide behind my leg whenever a new person came by, while her younger sister said, “Hi, my name is Kaitlyn,” to everyone she met, and Chloe, our youngest, came out of the womb extremely verbal (12-word sentences at the age of 2), claiming, “I’m the leader; I am the boss” as a toddler

• Personal experiences (conscious and unconscious) and memories

• Your interpretation of the words and body gestures of your parents, siblings, friends, enemies, and acquaintances

• The news, music, and social media you’re exposed to, and much more

You are not your mind. Your ability to separate from, manage, and not be a victim of your mind is essential to feeling happy. Yet it was not until I was 28 years old, starting my psychiatric residency, that I learned I was not my mind, and I did not have to believe every stupid thought that came into my awareness. I learned that my thoughts create my feelings; my feelings create my behaviors; and eventually, my behaviors create my outcomes in relationships, work, finances, and how healthy I am physically and emotionally. If I could separate myself from my thoughts and look at them dispassionately, then I could feel and act in a more consistently happy way over time.

You are not your mind. Your ability to separate from, manage, and not be a victim of your mind is essential to feeling happy.

Neuroscience Secret of Happiness: Master Your Mind

One of the 7 neuroscience secrets of happiness is to master your mind and gain psychological distance from the noise in your head. One helpful psychological distancing technique is to give your mind a name, an exercise I learned from my friend Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D., author of A Liberated Mind. This allows for separation, and you choose whether to listen to it.

I named my mind Hermie after the pet raccoon I had when I was 16 years old. I loved her, but she was a troublemaker, like my mind, and got me into hot water with my parents, siblings, and girlfriend. I often imagine Hermie holding up signs in my head with random negative thoughts, such as:

• You’re an idiot.

• You’re a failure.

• You’re a fool.

• You’ll get sued.

• You’re not enough.

• Others are better than you.

Knowing that I am not my mind, I can choose to ignore Hermie—metaphorically putting her in her cage. Always ask yourself whether your thoughts help you or hurt you. When Hermie is causing trouble, I often imagine petting her, playing with her, or putting the little troublemaker on her back and tickling her. I don’t have to take Hermie, or my mind, seriously. I can gain psychological distance, and so can you.

— Amen Clinics

"Hands and Feet" of God

Ashley Brooks stated, “As facilitators, we become the hands and feet of God, walking alongside those in our offices who seek healing and freedom. The Holy Spirit in us can work in conjunction with what he is doing in, around, and through the clients sitting in our offices.“

As healers and helpers, our life experiences, difficulties, and tribulations serve a purpose. The hard times we endure and go through are opportunities for our Heavenly Father to bring comfort and counsel into our lives. The word comfort in the New Testament means, “to come alongside.” These transformative experiences are times we learn how He comes alongside, helping and healing us.

Not only are we professionally trained as counselors, but through our personal journey with God, we become an extension of Him to bring comfort to others via the comfort we received from the Father of mercies and God of all comfort.

We become His hands and feet to those we are privileged to meet with, come alongside, and offer to counsel to. It is an honor to be trusted and involved in the process of healing in the lives of our clients.

“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.”

— Tracy Lewis, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

What is DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, incorporates the use of skills or strategies that, when put to use, create a life worth living. Developed in the 1970s by its founder, Dr. Marsha Linehan, it has proven to be effective as an evidence-based practice for a number of mental health issues including anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders, borderline personality disorder, suicidal and self-harm behaviors, substance abuse, and anyone desiring tools for tackling life. DBT operates on the platform of dialectics, meaning there exists at the same time acceptance and the desire for change. It is neither one nor the other and is instead both simultaneously. The overall goal of DBT is to help individuals change behavioral, emotional, thinking, and interpersonal patterns associated with problems in living. The key to success is the client/therapist relationship.

DBT originally operated on a platform set out to tackle 4 main targeted modules: Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance. Just recently a 5th, “Middle Path”, was added to help families and teens manage the relevant issues within their relationship. These modules are further divided into sections and then even further into a series of separate skills that are usually taught in sequence but can be pulled out individually so clients do not feel overwhelmed. An explanation of each module is as follows:

Mindfulness Skills

Mindfulness Skills are considered core skills in individual DBT therapy because they help develop an ability to control attention, a skill that is needed before one can learn to regulate emotions. In this DBT skills module, the primary goal is to help clients learn to participate fully in life while being non-judgmental and staying one-mindful. It helps with emotional suffering, worry, and depression by keeping clients in the moment versus in the past (where regret, shame, and grief can live) or the future (where worry and fear live). 

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills 

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills are taught to learn the nuances of effective communication in a range of relationships from work to family to friendships and romantic relationships.  Approaching relationships from a different perspective, the skills help balance the ability to be assertive by asking for what one wants and balancing how to say no while maintaining relationships and increasing self-respect. The goal is to decrease interpersonal conflict, improve active interpersonal problem-solving, and build positive social support in individual DBT therapy. 

Emotion Regulation Skills 

Emotional Regulation Skills help individuals in DBT therapy appreciate the purpose of emotions when encountering different problems and situations. Clients learn to accurately identify and label emotions, change emotional responses to situations, reduce vulnerability to negative emotions, and learn to manage extreme emotions. This helps instill the feeling of being in some degree of control over emotions, rather than feeling that emotions are in control of you. For most clients, the development of emotion regulation DBT skills includes the process of learning an emotion vocabulary that increases the recognition and communication of emotional needs to others.

Distress Tolerance Skills

Distress Tolerance Skills are taught so that clients can learn to cope with periods of intense emotions and stress without behaving in a way that would make the situation or problems worse. These DBT skills provide clients with a more effective way of managing crisis situations by means of distraction, improving the moment, and self-soothing. Distress tolerance skills for chronic problems and stressors help individuals accept reality by practicing the skills of radical acceptance, willingness and turning the mind. A key driver is to make decisions once calmer in “wise mind” (learned in the interpersonal effectiveness module).

Middle Path Skills

Middle Path skills help clients balance acceptance and change so they are able to see that there is more than one way to view a situation or solve a problem. A primary goal of this module is for clients to work on changing painful or difficult thoughts, feelings, or situations while also accepting themselves, others, and current problems.

Since DBT is constructed as a modular intervention, therapists and clients together as a team have the inherent flexibility to zero in on components to meet specific needs. Ultimately, comprehensive treatment strives to 1.) strengthen capability by increasing skillful behavior, 2.) improve and maintain motivation to change and engage with treatment, 3.) ensure that generalization of change occurs through treatment, 4.) enhance therapist motivation to deliver effective treatment, and 5.) assist restructuring or changing the environment to support and maintain progress and advancement towards goals. To accomplish these functions effectively, treatment is spread among a variety of modes that include individual treatment, group or individual skills training, between-session skills coaching, and a therapist consultation team. 

DBT is purposefully set up to not be a quick-fix type of therapy. In fact, it takes 24 weeks (6 months of weekly individual sessions and skills training classes) to complete the entire DBT skills training because it goes at a pace to ensure skills are learned, understood and applied to real-life situations. There is an array of new skills that cannot be rushed. Oftentimes, some clients end up repeating the process once completed, finding it to be so beneficial in finding fulfillment in all aspects of their lives. Those who commit fully make the most progress. 

If traditional “talk” therapy is something you’ve tried before and didn’t get the results you wanted, or if DBT sounds like something you may be interested in, please give us a call. We’d be happy and honored to answer any questions.

— Jill Dagistino, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern (Level 2 DBT trained)

Increasing Marital Intimacy - 6 Doors to Open for “Into-Me-See”

Each of us is in a continual state of change, whether we recognize it or not. The healthiest relationships exist between people who don’t stay the same.

Psychotherapist Esther Pearl says, “In the West today, many people are going to have experienced 2 or 3 marriages and or committed relationships. It’s just that some of us are going to do it with the same person.

The person I am married to today is a far better mate than when she walked up the aisle to meet me 28 years ago and I am grateful she is the same person. Simultaneously, I am a better husband than I was then, while still being me.

We don’t have it all figured out. We are far from perfect if that even exists. However, we are committed to growth, continually seeing and accepting the changes that are individual and collective, making room for each of us to be our authentic selves, while creating a lasting marriage.

Door 1 - Expand Your Definition of Intimacy

Intimacy is multifaceted and expressed in the ways we interact with and see our spouse through various lenses – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, intellectual, experiential, and playful.

Make the routine into a ritual, look for the good in your mate and tell them you notice. Make the mundane meaningful. Know what mood you’re bringing into the relational space. Ask your mate if and how you support their growth, confidence, and spiritual life. Simple matters. A 20-minute edifying conversation or what the Gottman Institute calls a “six-second kiss of potential” builds intimacy in ways most will never know.

Door 2 – Love Who They Are, Not What You Want Them to Be

There is much to be learned from the uniqueness of you both. Embrace and communicate appreciation for their unique and beautiful parts. God’s blueprints are greater than your design.

“If I am I, because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am and you are. But if I am I because you are you and you are you because I am I, then we are not ourselves.” -Author unknown

Door 3 – More Curiosity, Less Judgment

We can change the viewing lens through which we see our mate. One way is to reframe moments of frustration and be curious about why we are so bothered.

It has been said, “what is hysterical is historical.” In other words, instead of emotionally dysregulating and reacting, I can pause, reflect on the possibility that my over-reaction may have more to do with a past hurt than the current situation instead of immediately judging. This allows for a calmer response and also for insight about myself which I may choose to share with my mate in a way that will deepen our “into-me-see” is my getting triggered due to a past hurt, a time when I experienced inadequacy or possible abandonment. Be curious, rather than reactive.

Door 4 – Little Things Matter

Small acts can lead to big love. A gratitude text in the middle of the day can be very meaningful to your mate. Remember, love looks different at different stages of life. Scheduling your busy mate’s doctor appointments or taking your mate’s car for an oil change, unless you can do it yourself!

Door 5 – Self Care

Too many of us miss the mark by only caring for others’ needs at the expense of one’s own physical, mental and spiritual, and emotional health.

The healthiest relationships exist between two people committed to caring for themselves alongside the health of the marriage. It is not selfish to care for yourself, but rather the most selfless thing you can do.

The greatest gift we give our mates is the healthiest version of ourselves.

Door 6 – Choice

Healthy space and autonomy invite us into greater intimacy and choices. Every day we are invited to choose each other. We get to choose through the changing seasons of life so that it can be the choice of a lifetime. Stay awake to the changing seasons of your life together. Learn from your mate what influences you. Offer that compliment, their uniqueness, and their lifelong growing into the one and only unique person God exclusively designed them to be.

— Dr. Brent Gray, Ph.D., Clinical Director of Spanish River Counseling Center

‘Grit’ or ‘Suck it up Buttercup’

Grit is a funny word because as a noun it means ‘small loose particles of sand or stone’, or (and this is a pretty big or) it can mean ‘courage and resolve, strength of character.  Walking along the beach can be beautiful, but also pretty difficult because of the grit (small loose particles of sand) that make walking more difficult.  So why walk along the beach?  Why use grit to push through a difficult or long-suffering situation?  The walk or goal is worth the effort and grit.

Angela Lee Duckworth presented a TED talk on GRIT and discussed how grit is essential to obtain success and marks the difference between why some people persevere through hard circumstances and others do not.

Do you give up or give in too quickly? Do you set goals you never reach? There is a psychological term called Frustration Tolerance and it evaluates your ability to push through frustrating situations so that you can come out the other end stronger and achieve a certain result. Some of the best examples of this are sports, giving birth, or buying a house. These are, to put it mildly, frustrating moments and perhaps even painful/doubtful moments, however, we push through because the end result is worth the work.

Your personal growth is worth the work. Do you believe that? Do you know how or perhaps why you want to grow and mature as a person? We are still at the beginning of the year, so this is a great opportunity to sit down and think about what we would like to work on and push for this year. Let’s take the urgency out - we have a year.  What do you want to work on?  You know it will not be easy, and you may want to give up, but GRIT will help you get closer to your goal.

This time next year:

• What would you like to accomplish?

• How would you like to characterize this year?

• What would you like to think about yourself?

Write it down, and I would love to hear what you wrote. If not me, share what you wrote with at least one other person.  You have GRIT - use it.

— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C.

What is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)?

One of the most researched and successful methods for healing trauma memory might sound like an idea that some mad scientist thought up. But to the mental health community’s surprise, it works! Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (see why we shorten it to EMDR?) works very well with a qualified therapist who is well trained and experienced in using it.

EMDR is a form of psychotherapy, pioneered by Francine Shapiro, PhD, that has proven to help people who struggle with PTSD symptoms. EMDR uses bilateral stimulation of the brain through the movement of the eyes, sound, or touch to help process trauma. By alternately stimulating both sides of the body, this therapy works to help process trauma that is stored in neural networks of the brain and the body. It literally helps to release the “charge” that keeps a memory of past wounds impacting the present. But what does that mean to you? Here’s a simplified model that works for most.

We all have regular, weekly (if not daily) fears or upsets – a driver who cuts you off, a rude co-worker, a stubbed toe – that are like little chunks of ice that flow through our emotional brain and eventually get processed and dealt with in a healthy way. The ice chips we can usually handle (especially if our brain is fairly balanced). These ice-chip-sized memories work their way through our brain’s system, where they get melted, chewed, dissolved, or redistributed, and life returns to normal fairly quickly. This is our brain’s way of helping our mind to move on.

When we are hit with a tragedy or trauma, it’s like being hit with a heavy block of ice rather than the little ice chips. We can handle and process the chips because, after all, since we were about two years old, we’ve learned that life isn’t exactly fair or perfect. So, a healthy brain deals with it or shrugs it off. Not so with big chucks of pain. Not only does the big chunk of ice stay put, but sometimes it sticks to other ice chunks and turns into an iceberg, especially if there are multiple traumas, a prolonged trauma, or a very severe trauma (soldiers in war; losing multiple friends or family members; a long, frightening bout with cancer; a shocking or painful divorce; 9/11 survivors). This is an oversimplification, but it is a picture of post-traumatic stress disorder. I should mention here that one person’s ice chip could be someone else’s chunk of ice and, depending on a number of factors, can be just as stubborn to melt.

This much pain and shock literally changes your brain, and most people who’ve been there would wholeheartedly agree with that assessment. Then you have an iceberg of collective memories that get stuck in the Basement of Giant Fears and refuse to budge, melt, or go anywhere – even though you’d love nothing more than to have it disappear or, at least, be able to minimize the painful memory to a normal size so your brain can deal with it.

Not all people who suffer get PTSD (though most do experience some form of PTSD for a little while after a trauma, even a relatively minor car accident; however, the trauma might just linger a day, a week, or a month). Some soldiers return from war and, after a reasonable period of time, are able to move forward. Others are not so fortunate, such as the soldiers returning from Iraq (particularly the ones who were in the National Guard, who weren’t prepared for the horrors of war). Some of the ability to rebound faster has to do with genetic predisposition, and some of it involves the amount of trauma and the amount of attachment to the person who was killed or who died. Also, the amount of emotional and relational support that was given during and just after the crisis can play a role in our ability to recover.

Those who probably suffer the most are adults who were abused as children when their brains really didn’t have the resources to deal with such pain, especially if their parents, clergy, or teachers, when told, didn’t respond in soothing and proactive ways. This is often called a sanctuary trauma when a child looked for safety after a traumatizing experience and was turned away. This has a way of driving the original hurt deeper into the soul.

When the iceberg gets lodged, we are hit with unwanted thoughts and memories that may interrupt us at any moment. We’re triggered easily by anything that reminds us of the day that chunk of ice landed in our lives. We have nightmares about every aspect of that iceberg, almost as if our Basement of Giant Fears doesn’t even take a break to sleep. Oh, our brain continues to work around it as best it can, but it’s not the same . . . our brain stays on hyper-alert even when we don’t want to, or mean to be.

Ultimately, EMDR works a bit like a high-powered blender. It breaks up traumatic memories into manageable pieces using a variety of blender blades; recalling painful memories and replacing them with new, improved thoughts (with a trained counselor); slowing down or interrupting the story you’ve been telling yourself (which helps remove some of its power to your brain), and using alternating eye movement, tapping, or sounds (to break up and disrupt thought patterns). Using these methods and more, we sort of whirl, if you will, that big immovable hunk of ice into smaller pieces that can then be distributed through your brain and processed like other normal-sized memories until they melt into the place where typical memories (without major stress reactions attached) are stored. To simplify even more: we help monster memories turn into medium-sized memories, so they can go through the normal brain-drain system.

1. Dr. Earl Henslin, “EMDR Therapy,” THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON JOY (2008):232-234

*Dr. Gray is a certified EMDR practitioner

— Dr. Brent Gray, Clinical Director, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., L.M.H.C., C.A.P.

6 Feel Good Foods That Actually Increase Anxiety

With the latest survey from the National Center for Health Statistics showing 28% of U.S. adults are experiencing symptoms of anxiety disorder (up from 18% pre-pandemic), it’s clear that Americans need to find ways to bring anxiety levels down. Researchers are now looking more closely at the metabolic implications of anxiousness. It turns out that what you are eating may have a lot to do with what’s eating (worrying) you! Did you know that often the very foods and beverages we seek out to soothe anxious feelings, although providing temporary relief, make anxiety worse in the long run?

Here are 6 foods to avoid that may be causing or exacerbating anxiety symptoms in you or a loved one.

1. Coffee

This is a tough truth to swallow (pun intended). Although many anxious Americans love coffee, coffee does not love the anxious. One Cambridge study that followed the coffee consumption of college students found that high caffeine intake in this population was associated with headaches, anxiety, and psychological distress.

It is not just high quantities of coffee that fuel anxiety. Another study published in Neuropsychopharmacology showed that participants who had a particular neurotransmitter genetic variant affected by caffeine reported increased anxiety with as little as 1½ cups of coffee (150 mg of caffeine).

The American Psychological Association labels caffeine a drug that is “notorious for causing the jitters and anxiety” and warns that people with underlying mental health issues may be more susceptible to its ill effects. Indeed, coffee can aggravate anxiety and exacerbate a panic disorder.

The excess worry and fear that define anxiety make it harder to fall asleep and stay asleep through the night. Coffee’s caffeine content can add to an anxious person’s sleeplessness, and sleep deprivation can worsen anxiety. This causes a vicious cycle, because a sleep-deprived anxious person may then drink coffee to stay awake!

2. Sugar and Refined Carbohydrates

Sugary treats such as candy, baked goods, desserts, pastries, and soda may feel like a haven for anxious nerves but consuming them will only make anxiety worse. The same goes for refined carbohydrates—that is white flour, white bread, white rice, snacks, pasta, and breakfast cereals.

When you eat something high in added sugar or refined carbohydrates, it causes your blood sugar to spike and then drop faster than it would if you had something that was more balanced with protein, carbs, fiber, and fat.

These blood sugar spikes and drops make anxious feelings worse. For some people, it can have a dramatic effect, feeling almost like a panic attack.

A 2019 study that followed the dietary patterns of more than 1,100 Greek adults over age 50, found that those with a diet high in saturated fats and added sugars had higher anxiety. Similarly, researchers observed increased symptoms of anxiety in a 2018 animal study where subjects were fed a diet high in refined carbohydrates.

Remember, added sugars can come in many forms. A Harvard Health publishing article on sugar and anxiety symptoms warns that there are many foods with “hidden” sugar such as filtered fruit juice, salad dressings, yogurt, ketchup, sweet marinades, pasta sauce, and barbecue sauce.

3. Unhealthy Fats

Too much saturated or partially hydrogenated oils (trans fats) can also crank up anxiety levels.

There are numerous animal studies showing a correlation between the consumption of saturated fats and anxiety. Researchers believe that high consumption of saturated fat leads to high overall levels of inflammation in the body, which impacts the central nervous system and brain function—and this increases vulnerability to anxiety.

A 2020 Iranian study that looked at dietary fat in young women found that hydrogenated fats were associated with higher degrees of stress and anxiety than with other, healthier fats.

Saturated fat comes primarily from meat and dairy. (Plant sources such as palm oil and coconut oil are high in saturated fat but may have anti-inflammatory effects due to their medium-chain fatty acids.)

Thankfully, the FDA banned trans fats in 2018, but they gave food manufacturers and restaurants through the end of 2021 to phase them out. Trans fats (listed as partially hydrogenated vegetable oil on ingredients labels) are often in fried foods, margarine, shortening, pies, cakes, cookies, donuts, and frostings.

4. Processed Meats

A visually appealing charcuterie board at a social gathering may represent relaxation, but the cured meats may actually do the opposite as processed meats increase inflammation in the body and thus invoke anxiety.

Additionally, cured meats contain high amounts of salt. Excessive salt intake raises blood pressure and increases the workload of the heart, causing the body to release adrenalin into the bloodstream, which leads to feelings of anxiousness.

Of course, many processed types of meat are high in saturated fat, and as you just learned, that factors into increased anxiety too!

5. Alcohol

When you drink alcohol, a flood of dopamine enters the pleasure center of the brain. While the feel-good chemical swirls through your head, you may feel relaxed, less inhibited, confident, and happy. But it is short-lived. When dopamine levels dip back down again, nervous feelings return.

Those who are already anxious are even more sensitive to this effect. It can exacerbate anxiety and also lead to alcohol dependence. (About 20% of people with social anxiety disorder also suffer from alcohol dependence.)

Further, alcohol disrupts sleep and can lead to blood sugar spikes, especially if you drink on an empty stomach. Drinking alcohol excessively can lead to dehydration and physical hangover symptoms. All of these effects from alcohol serve to increase anxiety levels.

6. Artificial sweeteners.

We’ve all seen the commercials showing beautiful, fit people happily enjoying artificially sweetened soda. Don’t believe it! Artificial sweeteners have been associated with a host of health issues, including anxiety.

Known neurotoxins, artificial sweeteners can disrupt normal nervous system function leading to increased symptoms of anxiety.

One study focusing on nutrition as a metabolic treatment of anxiety suggested that increased anxiousness from artificial sweeteners may be a result of the adverse impacts they have on the microbiome and inflammation.

Another study in Nutrition Neuroscience suggested that aspartame (i.e., Equal and Nutrasweet) can inhibit the transport of dopamine and serotonin precursors into the brain and may increase the levels of excitatory neurotransmitters, shifting brain chemistry to be more anxiety-prone.

Don’t Stress

If you struggle with anxiety and enjoy any of these foods or beverages, don’t let this information fuel more anxiety. Get a psychiatric evaluation or consult your medical doctor to determine a sustainable course of action to help keep your anxiety in check.

— Amen Clinics

Compassion, Kindness, and Grace

The other day while putting dishes away, I dropped a ceramic serving platter onto the hard-tiled kitchen floor shattering it into what looked like a gazillion tiny pieces. There was no chance of trying to piece it delicately back together with several bottles of super glue. It was a goner. What a shame, right? One would think I would have simply swept up the remnants, tossed them into the trash, and planned on a way to replace the dish.  Nope. Instead, I went on a couple-minute-long bash about my clumsiness and stupidity for being so incompetent. I really let myself have it. Then, I heard my rational brain kick in and tell me to lay off the verbal attack. Yes, it was a silly mistake. Things happen. I could forgive myself and move on. It was, after all, just a serving dish. No need to berate myself any longer. 

As I moved out of this irrational state, I found myself chuckling at the ridiculousness of my self-inflicted bashing. I tell my clients to practice self-compassion and kindness and fully expect them to do so. Here I am not practicing what I preach. One of those moments of proof that we are all human and beautifully imperfect. Point is well-made and taken. 

What this incident did was re-instill in me the importance of self-acceptance, compassion, and kindness. The world will inherently beat us up. We don’t need to do it to ourselves. The Bible tells us to follow the Golden Rule: “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 7:12). This applies as well to our treatment of ourselves. What do we say to a friend, loved one, or co-worker who comes to us with a particular challenge or dilemma they’re in the midst of handling? They confess they’ve made a mistake. Do we call them stupid? Do we tell them things will never get better? Not even close. Instead, we lift them up. We encourage them with words such as “It’s okay,” “It’s going to get better,” “You’ve got this,” “You’re strong and smart,” and “I believe in you.” We try our best to improve their state of mind. If we agreed with them and joined the bash fest, the relationship most definitely would be strained, if not damaged. No one wants to be around people that treat them poorly. So, why do we do it ourselves? Clearly, we would benefit from speaking kinder to ourselves with more empathy, love, and, yes, humor, which in turn work together to open the door for more acceptance of our perfect imperfections. 

So, how do we do that? Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer, in their book entitled “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook,” challenge us to offer ourselves unconditional warmth and acceptance. Acknowledge the suffering. Sit with it long enough to respond with care and kindness. It’s easy to get caught up in immediate problem-solving to make the uncomfortableness go away. However, pain is part of the human experiences we share, and it is one way to connect with others. Moreover, that uneasiness is where true change and growth ignite. 

So, rather than shoving it aside or erasing the pain, actively look for ways to soothe and comfort the soul. Find a posture that works for you-maybe it’s wrapping your arms around yourself like a giant hug, or putting your hand on your heart, or curling up into a fetal position. I find placing my hands on my cheeks and sort of leaning forward to be particularly calming. And, naturally, turn to a loved one for support, building upon the commonality of the shared emotion. You’ll more than likely feel grounded in unity and bonding. Most importantly, look also to Jesus. Scripture reminds us repeatedly that Jesus is there for us, ready to comfort and embrace us. He unconditionally and entirely accepts us for who we are right here in the moment. 

I’m reminded of that popular phrase “What Would Jesus Do? “(WWJD) that was proudly displayed on wrists across the world several years ago. If I ask myself about his response to my platter-smashing mishap, it most certainly wouldn’t have been to berate me with name-calling. We can rest assured he’d offer up loving kindness and support. Wouldn’t it be beneficial for us to follow his example and show ourselves some true forgiveness and self-compassion? From serving dishes to more serious matters, Jesus is the ideal role model, showing grace and love. He gives both freely, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” (Ephesians 2:8). Let’s follow his lead. 

— Jill Dagistino, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

I Don’t Want to Be a Burden

“No one knows.” “I haven’t told anyone.” “I don’t share.” “I don’t want to be a burden.” These are phrases I hear often and it speaks of pain, loneliness, protectiveness, and silence, as well as other emotions that we are not to name. Have you heard someone say this? Have you ever used this phrase? The answer is not always so simple. The truth of not being a burden can be complex.

Sometimes it can be helpful to ask curious questions in order to better understand a phrase, feeling, or thought. What are some curious questions you can ask yourself? May I suggest some?

Have I been called a burden before?  If so, by whom?

What does it feel like to hold a burden all by myself?

Would I call someone else a burden if they shared the same thing?

Is this my way of saying that I don’t feel safe sharing? Or perhaps I feel hopeless or helpless?

Do I have someone in my life that tells me I am not a burden or who wants to know my situation?

Sharing our concerns, thoughts, or feelings does not mean that we are expecting someone to fix or carry them for us. We may need to find people who can walk with us as we experience the burdens of life, and we can recognize that our burdens often feel lighter when we are in community. COVID has brought out different views and extra burdens that give us the opportunity to grow, share and connect with others or it can give us the opportunity to isolate, judge, or hide.  

To those of us who have the privilege to hear the burdens or concerns of others, may we provide a safe and non-judgmental space to listen. To those of us who are aching to share our burdens/concerns with others, may we find people who are open to listening and offering the companionship of walking the road with us.

Sharing can be vulnerable, but it can also reap amazing benefits.

— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C., M.C.A.P., I.C.R.C.

Finding your True Worth

God created all people to be seen, heard, and valued. We are all worthy of experiencing these things from others around us.  But the truth is that in this world “we will have trouble” and often experience just the opposite from family, community, and friends.  When we are not seen, heard, and valued as God intended and experience the opposite, we often start to believe we are at fault and not worthy of love or not good enough or a failure — for example. These lies often lead us to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and allowing others to abuse us.  

We provide a process to help our clients identify the experiences that led to the lies they believe. We help them reframe their experiences and release the pain and hurt. Clients who have processed past experiences with us in this manner have experienced freedom and healing that has eluded them for years. If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, anger, substance abuse, or keep ending up in dead-end relationships, join us for a new journey and a fresh look at how you too can experience hope, healing, and freedom through the curriculum, “Making Sense of Your Worth.”

— Carrie Ellis, L.M.H.C.

It’s All in the Tone. Do You Sound the Way You’d Like or Intend?

There’s a long-standing joke in our family about my husband’s former use of tone. If you ask him, he’ll agree with what I’m about to share and will be quick to add that he has changed. I’m proud to say that with the concerted effort he has indeed.  Just to be upfront, I completely have his blessing to let you in on the humor associated with his old communication style. We all agree that he had (still does) wonderfully poignant things to say, thought-provoking and intellectually stimulating. His advice was (and is) legit. However, and it’s a big however, in the past, we used to not get beyond a few sentences without tuning him out, sort of reminiscent of how Charlie Brown and his classmates hear their teacher (blah, blah, blah, blah, blah). Why? His delivery was less than desirable. What was it in particular that caused us to lose interest? His negative, almost attack-ish, and overly intelligent-sounding blah-ish tone. Maybe you know someone who speaks in a similar way. Maybe it’s you? Oftentimes, there only needs to be a newly-created awareness to stimulate a dramatic change.

Let’s take a look back into our childhoods for proof that tone is really what stands out in being an effective communicator. When we were rocked to sleep, or perhaps when we lulled our little ones off into Neverland, “Rock-a-Bye Baby” delightfully induced an overwhelming sense of peace. Hum the tune. I’m sure it’s one that is very familiar. Now, take away the sing-song, delightful melody and read the lyric just as you would a passage from a novel:

“Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle and all.”

What? Did that sweet little infant just go smashing into the ground with broken tree bark, shattered cradle wood, and tattered leaves? Although the origin of this famous lullaby remains unproven, many believe it was written by a Mayflower pilgrim who was inspired by the way Native American women rocked their babies in birch-bark cradles suspended from high tree branches with the wind providing a natural, soothing motion. Whoever composed the music and lyrics, the intent was meant to be positive and provide a relaxing way for caregivers to get their little ones to sleep. It’s worked successfully for generations due to one factor--the tone we use to sing it.

Tone means the world when communicating. Experts say the comprehension of the message we deliver to others is contingent mostly not on our words, but on the way, we say those words. In fact, according to “Psychology Today,” as much as 90% of communication is nonverbal. Specifically, 55% percent is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, only 7% is the actual words. With these figures in mind, we see how imperative it is to employ a positive and encouraging tone, even when discussing serious topics. 

So, the next time you find yourself about to engage in a conversation where you are trying to accomplish a particular task, stop and pay attention to your tone. Listen to yourself. Practice by recording and playing back the audio. Do you sound the way you’d like or intend? What adjustments can be beneficial to help you achieve your desired results? 

— Jill Dagistino, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern

4 Strategies to Strengthen your Child’s Emotional Intelligence

As parents, we teach our kids the ABCs, practice math skills, read books; but, there usually isn't that same consistent focus on helping our children to grow in their emotional intelligence. Learning how to understand and cope with difficult feelings is a skill that can be taught as well! Throughout each day, you have the opportunity to emotion-coach your child to help them grow into a person who can regulate themselves even when facing difficulty.  

1. Model Self-Regulation.  It is important to slow down and take responsibility for how we express our own emotions. Pause and breathe before reacting. We can take a "parent time out", letting our children know "I feel so frustrated, and I need a break so I can calm down." Learning how to regulate our own feelings in the stress of life and parenthood can seem daunting, but managing our own emotions is key to helping your child manage their own. 

2. Normalize feelings expression. Research shows that children grow in their emotional intelligence when we talk about our own feelings, acknowledge their feelings, (“You seem really frustrated about that. Can you tell me about it?”), and wonder about others' feelings. "What do you think the child in the book is feeling? Why might he feel that way?" The more we talk about feelings, the easier it is for your child to recognize their own feelings and express them in healthy ways. In no time, you will see your child label their own feelings and be able to communicate them in a healthy way, without needing to use difficult behaviors to cry out for help!

3. Set appropriate limits with a positive tone. Sometimes children ask for help with their feelings in the most difficult ways. When our children are acting out, it is easy to forget that their behavior is actually communicating a need. They need to feel understood, and they need help in learning how to deal with feelings. Limits are necessary-they create a sense of safety and trust. But they are most effective when we respond with empathy first. "You were so upset that your brother took that toy! It can be so hard to share, huh? Let’s figure out a way to play together." Dr. Daniel Siegel uses the phrase, “Connect, then redirect.” When children feel connected and understood in their struggle, they are more likely to collaborate in implementing an alternative behavior. 

4. Offer a positive outlet to express difficult emotions. I often help my clients create a “Calm Down Corner” at home, where children can take a break to identify and accept their emotions, and implement helpful strategies like breathing techniques, drawing, or sensory play. Since children can draw pictures of how they feel from a very young age, many benefit from a “feelings journal” where they can write or draw what they are feeling. This teaches children what they SHOULD do with feelings, rather than just telling them what NOT to do (“Don’t hit your sister!”)

Emotions add to the richness of life and help us experience interactions more fully. When we view emotional regulation as a skill that must be taught, we understand and acknowledge our children’s “difficult” emotions in a new and empowering way. 

— Laura Van Camp